|
|
|
DOCKTA D - NEWS ARTICLE ARCHIVE
|
|
JUMP-TO STORIES:
President Bush Gets New Pair Of Shoes - Thrown At Him - 12/14/08
"I Want To Cut His Nuts Off!" Jackson Apologizes After Remark About Obama - 7/10/08
Boy Band Creator Sentenced - 5/21/08
CSI's Gary Durden Popped - 5/1/08
Pope Tells Bush, U.S., To Base Decisions On Moral Principles - 4/16/08
Jury Says Driver, Paparazzi Killed Diana - 4/8/08
Vatican Invents Many New Sins, Including Steroid Abuse - 3/10/08
Romney Accuses McClain of 'Dirty Tricks' - 1/27/08
Clinton, Obama Clash, Accuse Each Other Of Distortion - 1/21/08
Kelly Tilghman Apologizes For Woods Death Threat - 1/9/08
Mitt Romney Weeps After Primary - 1/9/08
Bush Fibs About WMDs - 1/9/08
Big Pot Bust In Cali - 12/22/07
Biden Up In Arms Over Tapes - 12/8/07
Bush Won't Judge CIA Tape Destruction - 12/20/07
Vamoosed Lake In Chile - 11/27/07
Pope Creates 23 New Cardinals - 11/24/07
God Answers Jerry Yang's Pleas to "Let Me Win, Dear Lord!" - 7/17/07
|
|
PRESIDENT BUSH GETS
NEW PAIR OF SHOES (THROWN AT HIM) - 12/14/08
|
BAGHDAD (JIHADAL PRESS ASSOCIATES) An unhappy Iraqi man threw his shoes at
President George W. Bush during a news conference with Iraq Prime Minister
Nouri al-Maliki on Sunday, Dec. 14. Bush adroitly ducked both shoes. Ever
the politician, Bush made light of the situation and thanked the man for giving
him such a nice pair of shoes -- Reebok Hex Ride Rally II men's basketball shoes --
and he also thanked him for "buying merchandise made in the good ol' U.S. of America".
Later in the day, at another press conference in Tal Afar, a Syrian man
threw his jockey strap at Bush, calling Bush a big American dick. Bush, however,
returned the item saying, "I don't have much need for a jockey strap".
Moments later, an Iraqi women reached under her burqa and
threw her bra at him, claiming to be in love with the
soon-to-be-ex-president, who said he was flattered by the gesture but
couldn't bring her back to Texas with him.
Yet another woman threw a baby at him, claiming it was his. He had no
comment, however, and discussed the recent U.S.-Iraqi agreement. "Once the
accordian is in place, and the insurgery has been dispelled, Iraqi women
all over the world will be able to bear illegimate children without fear
of stoning, just like in the U.S."
The President will visit Afghanistan tomorrow and urged his fans there
not to shower him with such gifts but rather
to "donate the precedes to their favorite war hospital" and to give him
information on the whereabouts of the headquarters of the Talibananas.
BACK TO TOP
|
"I WANT TO
CUT HIS NUTS OFF!" JACKSON APOLOGIZES AFTER REMARK ABOUT OBAMA - 7/10/08
|
BLOOMBERG (INFILLIATED WATCHDOGS) The Right Reverend Jesse Jackson, who
unsuccessfully sought the Democratic presidential nomination in 1984 and 1988,
apologized today for what he admitted was a "crude" comment he had made
about Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama following a
television appearance back on July 6th.
Jackson was on Fox News when a microphone picked up his remark suggesting
that Obama was patronizing blacks, "talking down to black people on this
faith-based". He then said, "I want to cut his nuts off". It seems,
Jackson didn't know the microphone was on. He was commenting on talks Obama
had made in black churches about parental responsibility and other issues.
"And if the man keeps putting my people down, I will sever his penis with a samauri
sword, slice it into wafer thin segments, deep fry them, and serve them to my
pit bull. If that don't shut his sorry ass up about black folks, I will skewer his
buttocks over an open fire pit and fling them into the gaping mouth of a
great white shark. Word. And if he keeps on keepin' on with his trash mouth after
that, I will extract his prostate gland with a rusty hanger, barbecue it
like a marshmellow and eat it my own damn self. Amen."
In his apology, Jackson said, "Anything I said in a hot-mic statement
that's interpreted as a distraction, I offer apologies for that. Obviously,
I have no intention of disemboweling or castrating Mr. Obama," Jackson
said at a news conference today.
"I have supported Barack's campaign with passion from the very beginning,
even though I should be the one who is in line for the presidency. I
thought the very idea made sense. After all, any black man, even if he's
only half black, is better than no black man when we're talking about
runnin' for president, and I don't mean that in a disparaging way to Mr.
Obama," Jackson said, "not in the least".
Obama campaign spokesman Bill Burton said Obama, "will continue to speak out
about our responsibilities to ourselves and each other, and Barack of course
accepts the old preacher's apology, as well as his very generous
contribution to the Obama campaign, the precise amount of
which I am not at liberty to disclose."
BACK TO TOP
|
BOY BAND CREATOR
SENTENCED TO 25 YEARS IN PRISON - 5/21/08
|
ORLANDO (ASSOCIATED COURT PREVARICATORS) - Lou Pearlman, the man
who created the Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync, was sentenced Wednesday
to 25 years in federal prison for engineering a decades-long scam
that bilked thousands of investors out of their life savings.
It was the maximum sentence the boy band mogul could receive for
allegedly swindling some $300 million from investors and banks
since the early 1980s.
U.S. District Judge G. Kendall Sharp noted that many victims
were his relatives, friends and retirees in their 70s or 80s,
little crippled orphans, blind children, and quadriplegic
folks who lost everything and were put out on the street.
"The sympathy factor just doesn't run very high with the court,"
Sharp said. The judge tacked on an additional 25 years for having
been responsible for creating one of the most asinine genres
in music history.
BACK TO TOP
|
ACE CSI MIAMI SLEUTH GARY DURDEN
BUSTED BIG TIME IN REAL LIFE - 5/1/08
|
PALM SPRINGS (DESERT HOT PRESS)
Gary Durden, acclaimed CSI actor and arguably the greatest black TV detective
vice squad sleuth in TV cop show history, was arrested this week for
possession of cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, monster, acid, squeeze,
oxycontin, reefer, hash, bennies, dexies, ludes, opium, THC, STP,
Testors model glue, angel dust, nitrus oxyde, snuff, amyl nitrate,
pamprin, codine, 14 cases of illegal Cuban beer and a corn mash white
lightening still. Durden was discovered passed out in his vehicle at 5:21 AM on
a deserted Palm Springs side-street with a syringe in his arm, a joint in his ear, a
beer bong strapped to his face and a heart defibrulator mounted on his chest. He
was also booked on suspicion of operating an illegal speakeasy out of
the trunk of his car.
Durden was heard ranting at police as they hauled him into custody, "Problunk not me!
Whosit!? Frick limps! Eye is you nim watch! Nastabling!" He was held in custody for
several hours before posting $5000 bail.
CSI producers could not be reached for direct comment but released the following
statement through the show's publicist: "Mr. Durden has been released
from his contract with CSI as an actor. However, he has been retained by the show
as an expert consultant on severe drug addiction and a CSI episode loosely based
upon his life is in the works."
BACK TO TOP
|
POPE TELLS BUSH, U.S., TO
BASE DECISIONS ON MORAL PRINCIPLES - 4/16/08
|
WASHINGTON (AFFILIATED PAPAL SCRIBES)
In an address to President Bush at the White House on Wednesday,
the first full day of his U.S. visit, Pope Benedict said that he
had come as a friend of the United States, an obvious attempt to
dispel recent rumors that he is an enemy of the state.
"I come as a friend, a preacher of the Gospel and one with great
respect for this vast pluralistic society," Benedict said in a
speech after Bush welcomed him at a ceremony that included a 
fife and drum band in colonial-era garb and a 21-gun salute,
"so, please don't shoot me with your 21 guns!", the pope
quipped, sporting his ruby shoes. "I mean you no harm. I come in peace from a far away land,
somewhere over the rainbow, and
I bear you no malice whatever for living in such a
debauched and sinful society, a veritable din of antiquity".
In his speech, the Pope urged Americans and their leaders to base their
political and social decisions on moral principles and to
create a more just society.
President Bush responded by urging the pope to urge
his church to conduct its ministration of the people,
especially very young altar boys, with more moral
principles and to create a more just church, one which does
not attempt to cover up the immoral actions of its leaders in order
to avoid shelling out millions of dollars in legal penalties
which are taxable by the U.S. government.
The pope smiled, nodded his head and said, "Touche, Mr. Bush",
then proceded to praise America,
in a clear attempt to win over the few dozen in attendance,
sprinkling his speech with
references to the founding fathers -- citing George Washington,
Benito Franklin, and Benedictine Arnold -- and with pandering
references to great American
documents, such as, the Declaration of Independence, the The Ten Steps
of Alcohol Dependence, and the Magma Carta. But he made no
specific references to issues such as abortion, slavery,
the Iraq war, the war on drugs, Nam, women's sufferage in jets,
manifest destination, the Pond of Hogs debacluie, the Kennedy assassination,
the Clinton insemination, the Boxer Revolt, or steroid abuse by American athletes,
such as Roger Clemens, clearly not wanting to
takes sides in the upcoming presidential election. He did, however,
say that Americans should apologize for forcing
the Russians to tear down the Great Berlin Wall, which
had been an icon in that town for as long as he can remember.
Bush cited the role of faith in U.S. life, saying,
"Here in America, you'll find a nation of prayer,
one where evil doers and terrorizors need beware,
lest the sword of Democratis come crashing down amongst their heads."
He sprinkled his comments with references to the
Great Catholic Inquisition, during which well over 100,000 evil-doing
witches were slaughtered with no mercy in an attempt
to rid the world of evil doers, and the best-selling Catholic
publication, Malleus Maleficarum, or "Witch Hammer",
the very church manual used for identifying, examining and
torturing witches, the template , Bush told the
audience, for American military "harsh interrogation
techniques", such as watersurfboarding and mock castration.
BACK TO TOP
|
JURY SAYS DRIVER,
PAPARAZZI KILLED DIANA - 4/8/08
|
LONDON (ASSOCIATED COURT REPORTERS OF THE REALM)
A coroner's jury returned the most serious verdict within its
power this Monday, ruling that the revered Princess Diana
(pictured here while still alive) and her boyfriend, Dodi Fayed,
were unlawfully killed because their driver, Henri Paul, and pursuing
Paparazzi were reckless -- behavior tantamount to manslaughter.
Criminal charges are not likely, however, because the incident
happened across the English Channel in France, outside the
jurisdiction of British authorities.
The jury also ruled that Jesus Christ was unlawfully killed
because the Romans recklessly beat him to a pulp and then put him
up on a cross -- behavior tantamount to Godslaughter.
The jury is still deliberating, however, over the blame for the
deaths of Dr. Martin Luther King, Julius Caesar, Bugsy Siegel and
Archduke Franz Ferdinand, having determined last week that
President John Fitzgerald Kennedy was unlawfully killed
because sniper bullets were recklessly shot in his direction --
behavior tantamount to presidentslaughter.
Fans of the great Luciano Paparazzi were shocked at the new that he
was involved in the death of Princess Diana and everywhere
great bon fires lit up the skies across Brittain as royal fans burned Paparazzi CD's,
Halloween tuxedo costumes, Luciano bobbleheads and Italian flags. A huge effigy of
the great tenor was burned in Pickadilly Circus. It burned all day.
It's still burning.
BACK TO TOP
|
VATICAN
INVENTS MANY "NEW SINS", INCLUDING STEROID ABUSE - 3/10/08
|
VATICAN CITY (ROITERS) - The Vatican, seat of the Holiest Sea,
has passed down to mere mortals a polyglot of
brand new sins for God's flock to feel guilty about. At
the top of the list of threats to the modern human
soul, laid on the people in an interview with the
Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano by the Pope's
number two man, Arch Archbishop Gianfranco Girotti, is
in the realm of bio-sins, covering cloning, genetic
fudging, and the destruction of embryos. He also
earmarked "ecological" offenses as sinful evils, notably
anything that messes up the environment, like air polution,
dumping toxic radioactive waste in the rainforrest, and
highway litter. It now appears that not only is one
risking a cash fine for chucking one's McDonald's
wrapper out the car window, but one may also wind up
paying a more eternal fine in the Low Court of Purgatory.
Steroid abuse by American athletes was near the top
of the list of new sacred offenses and Cy Young award winning pitcher,
Roger Clemems, remarked, "I suppose the Vatican will
be supoening me to go to Rome and testify to his almighty, the Pope,
in the Sistine Chapel about my involvement with steroids. First
the U.S. Senate and now God! Sheesh, I can't get a break!"
Girotti also listed illegal drug trafficking (except Oxycontin)
and internet identity theft
as modern sins. "My second cousin in America is a having
the trouble with a someabody who a go and a steal a her name
and I curse thata person! Vendetta!" Apparently, nitrous oxide,
tetra-hydra-terpenthydrathioholine-3, and cheap model airplane
adhesive are still not sinful substances to inhale, as
there was no mention of them in the modern list.
He rounded out the new sin list with: money laundering (the
actual washing of money, which leaks printers ink into
the Earth's water system), sneaking money from the collection
plate, the wrongful use of handicap parking permits at the mall,
being rude to maimed waitresses, breeding hairless cats,
illegal CD duplication by the Chinese, making fun of Alzheimer's patients
(like, telling them every day that Kennedy was just shot and watching them cry
like it was the first time they heard the news and then laughing behind their backs),
Spam email (any email that mentions Spam or different ways to cook it),
and on-line no-limit Texas Holdem poker tournaments.
It's still ok, however, to aid and abet runaway Nazi war criminals,
which gave a sigh of relief to some of the older prelates in the Catholic org
who were on sin patrol in the aftermath of WWII.
President Bush commented on the list and remarked that he was glad to see that
fibbing, especially fibbing for the purpose of inciting war, was not among the items
now requiring repentation.
BACK TO TOP
|
|
ROMNEY ACCUSES
McCAIN OF 'DIRTY TRICKS' - 1/21/08
|
SIMI VALLEY, Calif. - Republican Mitt Romney accused
John McCain of using dirty tricks by suggesting the former
Massachusetts governor wanted a deadline for withdrawing
U.S. troops from Iraq, in a spirited debate Wednesday
night that underscored the intensity of their
presidential rivalry.
Coming 24 hours after McCain defeated him in Florida, Romney
vented his frustrations over the Arizona senator's claims from
last weekend.
"I have never, ever supported a specific timetable for
withdrawing troops and I can't believe he would say
that. That was a dirty trick," Romney said. "But that
ain't the worst of it - back at the hotel, McCain
put a bag of burning dog poo outside my room, knocked
on the door and, of course, when I go outside and see
the fire, of course, I'm gonna stomp on it! Tracked
it in the room and everything. My wife threw up.
It was a real mess! That was a very dirty trick and
I can't believe he did it. Then, at midnight, I get
a knock on my door and, come to find, "somebody" had
ordered a hundred pizzas and Chinese food for fifty
people and had it delivered to my hotel room and I'm
like, "what the hell is this?!" Oh yes, and did I
mention that Mr. Presidential Candidate kept calling
me in the middle of the night and hanging up when
he KNEW I had a big speech in the morning - now
that's just mean spirited dirty pool, folks, that's
all I can say. Is he gonna do that sorta thing in
the White House?!"
Senator McCain had no comment.
BACK TO TOP
|
|
CLINTON,
OBAMA CLASH, SPARR, ACCUSE EACH OTHER OF SLANDER - 1/21/08
|
MYRTLE BEACH, S.C. - The lead Democratic presidential enemies,
Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama, accused each other of
repeatedly and deliberately distorting the truth for political
gain Monday night in a highly personal, finger-wagging debate.
Obama told the former first lady he was helping unemployed
workers on the mean streets of Chicago when, "you were a
corporate lawyer sitting on the board at Wal-Mart."
Clinton responded to that jab by saying that she was
fighting against bad Republican policies "when you
were practicing law and representing your contributor ...
in his slum landlord business in inner city Chicago."
Obama then lashed out, "Yeah, well, I was very busy helping
out destitute little old widowed ladies who had no heat
in their tenements in the dead of arctic Winter while
you were out runnin' around stripping in flash joints
for dope money for your bigamist pimp-ass husband."
Clinton showed remarkable reserve as she said in a low
calm voice, "well, my friend, at least my mother wasn't
a two-bit pork-a-holic crack addict ho who was a regular at
the Chicago Metropolitan Correctional Center."
Obama retorted, "I object!! That's bulldirt, your honor!
While I admit my mama was a pork-a-holic crack addict with
a drinking problem, she
was NOT a ho in the classic sense! That's not in
the public record. He then stood,
walked over to Clinton, pulled out a large Cuban cigar,
lit it, took a puff and blew smoke directly into
Hillary's face saying, "Um, by the way, I got this from Bill.
Taste's pretty good, if you get my drift..."
Hillary Clinton then stood and spit directly into Obama's face.
Obama smiled, said, "touche", calmly wiped the spittle
from his chin and then promptly decked her.
Husband and former president, Bill Clinton, emerged from
the stunned crowd, produced a shotgun from under his raincoat,
and shot Obama squarely in the chest. Clinton, who still has
political immunity by virtue of his former presidency, was
allowed to leave the debate hall under his own recognizance.
However, he is currently under Congressional
investigation for political assassination, a charge to
which he has responded, "I did not politically assassinate
that man. What do you mean by "politically?"
BACK TO TOP
|
|
GOLF CHANNEL
ANCHOR KELLY TILGHMAN APOLOGIZES FOR RIBALD "ON-COLOR"
COMMENT THAT YOUNG GOLFERS SHOULD LYNCH TIGER WOODS - 1/9/08
|
LA QUINTA GOLF RESORT (AFFILIATED CLUBHOUSE REPORTERS)
With shades of Howard Cosell's now infamous "look at that
little monkey run" comment, Golf Channel commentator,
Kelly Tilghman, who once caddyied for Arnold Palmer,
was on the hotseat this week when she made her own
shocking and controversial comment during Friday's
telecast of the PGA Tour's opening event that the
only way that young golfers of the world have a
chance to win would be if they take Tiger Woods
into a back alley and lynch him. Naturally, the
ever-sensitive racial watchdogs leapt upon the
seemingly racist use of the reference to the
so-called "Black Holocaust" lynchings of Blacks
in the South.
Tilghman apologized today for her untoward misuse of
the "L" word: "I am terribly sorry I used the
word "lynch" when referring to the murder of Mr.
Woods. I wish now that I had used some other
phrase in reference to snuffing him out, such as
electrocute, behead with a dull guilltine, draw and quarter with
a chainsaw, roast in a Brazen Bull,
flatten with a steamroller, crucify upside down in a
gas chamber (and force his mother drop to the Cyclon-B pellets),
bury alive in a coffin full of hungry irritated tarantulas,
poison with cyanide-laced Tylenol
capsules, shoot in a firing squad with rifles
loaded with lead-based dum-dum hollow points dipped in human
feces, slowly disembowel with rusty blunt scissors,
explode with a stick of dynamite shoved into the anal cavity,
send an anthrax letter to, impale on razor sharp punji spikes coated
with the AIDS virus,
seal in an iron maiden and force to listen to Iron Maiden at
600 db until the head implodes, drown him in his own flu vomit, or
inject his heart directly with lethal neurotoxic substances such
as cholera or black widow spider venom.
In my defense, however, I should like
to point out that Mr. Woods is only about 25%
Black, so, my comment is really only
about one quarter as egregious as it normally would be
under the circumstances. He has caucasian,
American Indian, Asian, Burmesian, Latino, Canadian and God-knows-what-other
ancestral blood flowing through his mongrel halfbreed veins.
Had I said 'lynch in a strange fruit tree, cover with a small pox-infested
blanket and detonate with a hydrogen bomb',
or something to that effect, then maybe the
uproar would be justified, so, gimme a break."
BACK TO TOP
|
|
MITT ROMNEY
CRIES AFTER NEW HAMPSHIRE "SILVER METAL" CEREMONY - 1/9/08
|
CONCORD, NEW HAMPSHIRE (CONGLOMERATED COLONIAL REPORTERS)
Massachusetts governer, Utah governer-wanna-be, and presidential hopeful, Mitt Romney, cried
at the end of his speech last night following his second
place "silver metal" showing in the New Hampshire primary. His tears
flowed freely as he said he was overwhelmed by the heartfelt
support he has received from so many gentiles and non-Mormons
in his quest for the number one seat. "I know that Mormons
are the chosen few and I am absolutely shocked and humbled
by the outpouring of support I have received by so many
non-believers and evangelicals who, according to my religion,
will be slain by the Angel Moroni on Judgment Day when the
fierce Wild Indians of the Great North rein down upon the world,
piercing the black hearts of anyone non-Mormon, anyone not
wearing special Mormon underwear with secret symbols,
and that the souls of said non-converts shall be banished
forever to the Eternal Cess Pool and shall never
themselves become gods with dominion over their own
personal planets, nor shall they ever receive
three dozen voluptuous virgins. I don't normally cry in
public as it is a clear sign of weakness and instability
and generally translates into instant political death for
any candidate,
but it seems to have worked quite well for Hillary
Clinton so I don't think my emotional outburst will
adversely affect my chances of becoming your president,
at least I hope not. If fact, I'm hoping the show of feminine
sensitivity will push me right over the top."
Romney quickly wiped his tears away when asked if
his allegiance to the president of the Mormon's LDS
church, allegiance sworn when he became a Bishop of that church
(moving up from mere Pawn status), would be a conflict
of interest and that if the Mormon Church president ordered
him to use nuclear weapons on non-Mormons, would he do so
unflinchingly. He answered stoically, "no... I don't think
so... I'll have to ask my Rook if that would be acceptable..."
Hillary Clinton, upon hearing about Romney's breakdown,
said, "Well, it's good to see that a man can be hormonal,
too, even if he is a Mormon, which faith, by some
Evangelicals, has been referred to as a "cult".
I think it's absolutely wrong to assume that such
displays of emotional instability will affect my or his
decision-making when it comes to the use of nuclear
weapons on Jews, Buddists, Catholics, Taoists, Glanuists,
or any other religion for that matter, or to committing American boys and girls
to non-nuclear conventional combat in far away places
where the primary objective is oil. I wonder if he
takes Pamprin. It usually helps with my bloating."
BACK TO TOP
|
|
BUSH ADMITS FIBBING
ABOUT WMD'S - 1/9/08
|
WASHINGTON (ASSOCIATED REPORTERS) President George W.
Bush, in a pleasant and apologetic tone, admitted today
that he pushed the buttons on the war in Iraq for the sole
purpose of generating trillions of dollars of profits for
friends in high places in the military industrial
complex and oil business. He admitted that he was not
straightforward at all about believing that Saddam Hussein had WMD's
(weapons of mass destruction), that he knew all along he
did not have them, but claimed that he had his fingers
crossed behind his back when he made the claim, which therefore
made it not a lie but rather a mere fib and a fib is
not a lie, certainly not nearly as heinous as a black lie
and far less opprobrious than even a white lie. Mere fibbing,
according to Bush, while frowned upon from kindergarten
on up, is not a sin. "I want to point out that there is
absolutely no mention whatever in the Bible about
fibbing. Therefore, I gotta assume it's ok. I mean,
why on Earth would God allow humans to fib and not do
something about it, like put it in the Good Book to stop
it or warn against it or even punish it with fire and
brimstone and pestilence and floods and drought? In fact,
there are no laws at all on the books anywhere
in this great country of ours about fibbing.
You can't get a ticket for it." He went
on to say that if people didn't believe him
when he said Saddam Hussein had WMDs then
they should have asked to look at his hands.
They would've seen his fingers crossed and he
would have then figured out some other excuse
to get us into a war with the "gas man", as
he referred to former ally, Hussein, to whom
the U.S. government supplied the very gas
used by him to commit
genocide against his fellow citizens.
"My conscience is clear as ice - read my mouth -
I never lied."
At the end of his interview Bush said he was only kidding
about fibbing about not lying about prevaricating saying only that he
wished to leave office known as the "jocular president".
Of course, interpreting his statement is difficult because
his legs were crossed so it is up to the constituency to
determine whether he was falsifying misinformation about
truthfulness or lack thereof as it pertains to erroneous
incorrect statements he may or may not have uttered in jest
or otherwise.
BACK TO TOP
|
|
DEA MAKES HUGE POT BUST
DOWN IN MONTEREY - 12/22/07
|
MONTEREY CALIFORNIA (ASSOCIATED REPORTERS OF AMERICA)
The DEA made an arrest today of one Juan Sanchez, from Juarez, for
running an illegal pot distribution operation in this
beautiful and peaceful (except for festival week) coastal town. The
pots were all made of porous red clay, down in Juarez, and then
secretly secreted across the border under cover of darkness
in secret compartments in low riders. Several
local housewives were involved in a sting operation
after they themselves were busted for illegal pot use in their
gardens. They turned informant when it was clear they
might lose their Home Depot charge accounts.
BACK TO TOP
|
BUSH WON'T JUDGE CIA TAPE
DESTRUCTION
THE SAGA CONTINUES - 12/20/07
|
WASHINGTON (ASSOCIATED NEWS PEOPLE)
President Bush said Thursday he will reserve judgment
on his administration's destruction of CIA interrogation
tapes until several inquiries are finished, adopting a
wait and see attitude. "Let's wait and see what
the facts are," Bush said.
"Patience, that's what I'm talking about here. You
holier-than-thous shouldn't be so quick to wag
the guilty finger at anyone else unless and until
they have all the necessary information
available, in front of themselves, to be able to
properly assess the culpability of said persons
who are on the hotseat and being accused of being
an evil wrongdoer. Delay of action is entirely
in order at this point
because, as you all know, haste makes waste.
It's a waste of your time and mine and time
makes money and it's the American people's
nickle we're talkin' about here.
You mudslingers, scoundrels, scallywags,
firebrands and upstarts
shouldn't be in such a
hurry to leap onto a pile of dirt
because it just might be quickmud
and you could sink in up to your neck and get mud
down your own throat. You iconoclasts ought not be
so ala... ala... ala-cratious -
golly, I love that word - it's a hard one but
what it means is "too quick to jump the damn gun" - to put
a foot in your preverbial mouths and
falsely misspeak, sensationalize, disparagize,
and mischaracterize.
This great country of ours was founded on due
process of illegal matters and that means
withholding paralegal perscecution or
unjustifiable desecration or threat of
phony indictment until there is a vast
preponderosity of evidence for or against the
perps to tip the scales of injustice way beyond
the shadow of irrascible doubt in the direction
of blameworthiness. Then and only then should
accusations be cast upon the situation.
In other words, reserve judgment of misconduct until a full
data analysis is scrutinized beyond
the .05 alpha level. Don't pre-ordain. Let he
who is with sin cast the first rock,
is all I'm askin' as your
beloved President.
Exercise forbearance lest ye falsely
pre-convict an otherwise innocent person
or administration. Show a little temperance.
I beg the indulgence of the American
people who are a smart and wise
and caring and loving and primordial people. A bit of
stoicism goes a long way, my father once told me,
so don't tar and feather or pillory or flog or
crucify or indamnify the head of the American chicken without
just improbable cause. That would be
a sin and it would be wholly un-American and unfair
to this here administration which is on the side
of good in the world. America the beautiful,
that's what we're all about. Capeshe?"
The destruction in late 2005 of the tapes,
showing harsh interrogation treatment of
two terrorism suspects, is being investigated
by the Justice Department, the CIA itself
and by several congressional panels.
"Until these inquiries are complete, I will
be rendering no opinion from the podium." Bush then added,
"I will not make a decision, one way or another,
from the pulpit or the grandstand or the bridge of the ship
so long as the tribunals are still forthwithing.
Nor shall I shout a pre-judgmental statement
from a mountaintop while the jury deliverates,
nor errouneously scream "fire" from a cryer's perch, or falsely
hollar "land ho" from a crow's nest, nor
pontificate a prevaricated message of falsehood
on a megaphone from atop
of the Washington Monument, as it is my God given
right to do as president, until I'm sure about what I'm
prevaricating on.
I shall scribe no accusatory nor vilifying
edifices in the editorial section of the
Washington Post as I am not a muckraker. I will
avoid blaming anybody prematurely or posthumously on my
national fireside radio show, "The George
Bush Hour", starring yours truly. And
nay shall I drag a yellow journalistic
pre-conviction proclamation behind one
of them bi-planes you see flying up
and down the beach announcing this or that
happy hour or lobster special.
I promise not to bang a false
gavel in the White House for the President
must be completely non-judgmental, at least
as it pertains to politics. Only fools rush
in. A wise man once said that. He must
be calm and cool and show lots of phlegm. He
must be calculating and reasoned and genteel
and he must exercise a thousand points of
serenity and restraint and learn how
to ride out the storm and let all the cards
fall where they may lie or lay or lain - whichever
is correct right there - and allow
the dust to settle and the fervor to
quell and the tides to recede and the
cold dark night to return once again to the
enlightened warmth of daytime before exposing
himself or his opinions to the American
people, (or her opinions
if the president happens to be a woman, but
I seriously doubt that will happen in my lifetime,
especially with the Clinton woman).
I didn't go running around falsely accusing Mr.
Osama Bin Laden - a personal friend of the Bush family -
for 911 until I knew absolutely one zillion
percent beyond an inkling of a shadow of
a reasonable doubt and unequivocally and
for sure that he was the mastermind
behind that evil day which brought
our country together like Pearl Harbor and caused the
American people to rally behind their
president and send his ratings skyrocketing.
Oh, and by the way, I am instructing
Budget Director Jim Nussle to review
options for dealing with the wasteful
spending in the omnibus bill," Bush said.
BACK TO TOP
|
|
SENATOR JOE BIDEN UP IN ARMS ABOUT
DESTRUCTION OF TAPES - 12/8/07
|
WASHINGTON, DC (CCR - CONGLOMERATED CONGRESSIONAL REPORTERS)
Delaware Senator Joe Biden, chair of the Senate Foreign
Affairs Committee and 2008 Democratic presidential hopeful,
who himself was put on the hot set 20 years ago when it was
revealed to the American people that he cheated in college
leading not only to his expulsion from university but also
to his ultimate and humiliating dropping out of the 1988
presidential campaign, has come forward today to demand
that Attorney General Ashcroft appoint a special counsel
to investigate the CIA's destruction of videotaped
interrogations of two suspected terrorists. His demand
came on the heels of the Saturday revelation that
Michael Mukasey's Justice Department and the CIA's
internal watchdog would conduct a joint inquiry into
the matter and that their joint review would determine
whether a full investigation is warranted. Biden
scoffed at this plan to uncover the truth behind the
apparent impropriety of the destruction of the
tapes.
"He's the same guy who couldn't decide whether
or not waterboarding was torture and he's going
to be doing this investigation! That's pure horseshit!",
said Biden, who voted against making Mukasey America's
country's top law enforcer.
|
Biden was also incensed at his own mother,
Louise Biden, for destroying well over 300
vintage 8-track tapes from his college years
which were stored in his mom's garage and he had
to be consoled by his children.
"I had the Isley Brother's Live It Up, I had Zeppelin's
Houses of The Holies, Grand Funk's double live
tape with Mean Mistreater, which you
can't find anywhere, I had the
Mahaveeshnu Orchestra, Framton Come's Alive
with Do You Feel Like I Feel on it, Seals
and Crofts, KISS - I HAD THE FIRST KISS TAPE
with Strutter on it!
I had it all, Jack! And she just
trashed 'em like they were nothin' Just threw 'em
into the furnace, which, I might add, is an
environmentally unsafe act and a direct
violation of HB 320-14! I'm extremely miffed and
I've asked my Dad to look into it.
Life sure is like a crap shoot - just
when you think you got it licked, your
mom fries your goddam favorite tapes and the CIA
director destroys important evidence
which could further sink this lame duck
administration."
Biden's mother could
not be reached for comment but
released the following statement
through her next door neighbor, Judith
Montgomery: "Mrs.
Biden sincerely regrets the loss
of Joe's precious tapes. However, she
wants to make it clear that he
didn't even remember he had the precious
tapes until she told him she destroyed
them. She recommends that Mr. Biden
come get all of his things out
of her garage, such as his University
of Delaware expulsion papers".
CIA Director, Michael Hayden, has claimed
that the CIA recordings were destroyed
so as to protect the identities of
interrogators. But Biden said that was
crap, too, suggesting, "I'm think -
I'm fairly certain - you can use those
little black rectangles to block out
somebody's face, can't you? I'm having
my secretary look into that and if it's
true, then Hayden MUST have known about
it. I mean, he looks at secret video
tapes with people's faces blocked out
all the time. Right? I'm pretty sure
of that. At least, that's what I heard.
I think it can be done with VideoShop."
Passing the buck and seeking a flatter
rock under which to crawl, Hayden said the
sessions were videotaped in the first
place not for his own sick and demented
sadistic personal viewing purposes
but to provide an added layer of legal
protection for interrogators using new,
harsh methods authorized by President
Bush as a way to break down the defenses
of recalcitrant and disrespectful foreign
prisoners of the state being held on
foreign soil with no due process
who, "don't respect the rightful place
of America in controlling the economic,
religious, military and political
landscape of the entire freakin' globe".
The White House scrambled over
the weekend to determine who
exactly in the administration knew
about the tapes and when, including
Doorman James Watson who was quoted
as saying, "I do recall a box of
tapes being dropped off at the front
gate from NetFlix and I took 'em in,
but I don't know who the hell got 'em
or what the hell happened to 'em. That ain't
my job. No sah. I just put in my nine to
five and roll on up outta here, get on home,
put on my naked ladies and throw back
a few cold ones. Which reminds me - they's somethin
wrong with my cable box."
|
White House janitor, Carl Jensen, who
resigned today under accusations that
he is responsible for the trashing
of the CIA tapes, said upon slinking out the
back door of the White House, "I didn't do nothing
with them tapes. I ain't no Rosemary Woods! Maybe
the President taped over them. He still uses VHS."
|
President Bush apparently "has no recollection"
of hearing about either the tapes'
existence or their destruction before
being briefed about it Thursday morning.
"I have no clue at all about water sports
or any tapes about water sports
or golden showers or anything like
that or about who might have dumped
said tapes or wrecked them or lost them
or smashed them or burned them or
vilified them, or
exradicated them in any way, shape, or form,
known to the mind of man, nor who
even might have looked at them
late at night in the confines of
their oval bedrooms or oval situation rooms.
No sir, I'm completely
free of any knowledge or whereabouts
of said tapes, no matter who's in 'em
or what's in 'em or what's happening
to the folks that's in 'em, especially
if there's anything like hoses in 'em.
Nope. I don't remember anything about
any tapes. What tapes?"
Bush went on to say that he has
complete confidence in Hayden's
handling of the situation.
"I'm absolutely certain he'll find
out who took the bloody tapes. Washington's
only so big, ya know".
The President also sent his condolences
to Biden over the unfortunate loss of
his own tapes. "It seems there's a preveritable
tape gremlin running around this
great country of ours and we need
to come together and have a
biparisan effort to put a stop to it.
My heart goes out to Senator Biden
and his children who have suffered
a great loss, especially Edgar
Winter and White Trash's Tobacco Road tape".
Biden thanked the President for his very kind
words. "I just wanted to thank the President
for his very kind words, with the caveat that
in no way am I endorsing him, his policies,
the so-called "war" in Iraq, or the Republican Party,
or any party at all other than the Democratic Party,
all of which I hate with a passion."
|
Presidential candidate Senator Hillary Clinton
was quoted as saying, "if my husband
is not in the CIA tapes, I guess I'm not
really all that interested. The CIA - that's where
the spies are, right? Or is that the FBI? Oh, fiddle
sticks! I get them so mixed up sometimes!"
|
|
Barack Obama, D-Ill, on the campaign trail with
TV talk show host, Oprah Winfrey, responded
to the scandal by saying, "if they
were cassette tapes that got all
messed up, I got a whole
shitload of 'em all y'all can have. I, myself,
have converted to mp3s because I wanna show
the young people of this country that
I'm hip and I can boogie and blog with y'all and
I hear your cry for change. And, my very very good
friend, the very attractive and beautiful, Oprah Winfrey,
agrees with me one zillion percent on that."
|
Winfrey agreed. "Unlike my weight,
which changes like the humps on a camel, I will
not fluctuate drastically when it comes to my
unwavering support of my steadfast good buddy,
the handsome, Barack Obama, who has shown his extreme
level of hipness by dancing and boogiein'
on my show, unless, of course,
he gets the presidential nod from
the Dems and doesn't pick me to be his running mate,
in which case I will promptly drop him
as my good friend and endorse whoever will pick me,
because, people, lemme lay it on ya -- it's prime time Oprah
that's gonna to take this
country into the 20th Century. I plan on
doing my show live from the White House every
day. I'll be interviewing
political leader's depressed wives, I'll
have men's room toe-tapping gay Senators,
and, of course, Dr. Phil will be on
hand as my chief of staff."
Senator Biden commented on Winfrey's self-imposed
candidacy by saying only that, "she's articulate
and bright and clean and a nice-looking storybook
black woman, and I don't mean that in a racist way."
BACK TO TOP
|
VAMOOSED LAKE STILL VAMOOSED -
11/27/07
|
SANTIAGO, CHILE (ASSOCIATED IMPRESSARIOS)
Officials are still trying to solve the mysterious
disappearance of a large lake in southern Chile
after the discovery back in May of this
year of a 30m-deep crater instead of the
body of water which has been there for as long as the local
Fernando llamas herders can remember.
"It ees still not where it ees supposed to be
and we are getting preety upset about
eet", said Pedro Alvarez De Vincento Martinez, director of The
National Forests, Lakes, Rivers, Streams, Ponds, Mountains,
Poppi Fields, and Other Natural Resources Corp. of Chile
(TNFLRSPMPFAONRCOC), in an interview with Radio Cooperativa
South America at the bottom of the empty lake.
"We was hopeful that our heartfelt pleas to the
national populous would have bring us a bountiful fruit but sadly
eet did not. No peoples has called to tell us where eet eez."
Local scientists have been scrambling to explain the strange
aquatic abscondance. University of Santiago geologist Carlos La
Bamba, for instance, said the missing lake was
likely due to an earthquake-caused crack
in the ground that drained all the lake water to the center of the
Earth, causing the recent abnormalities in the eruptions of the
Old Faithful geyser, some 6000 miles away in the USA;
Other scientific hypotheses and explanations for
the have included: a swarm of killer bees drank
it on their inexorable migration north; solar flare
irradiation seeping through a gigantic hole in the ozone
comportment caused a "freak aqueous boil off";
there is even is a theory that there never really was a lake there
in the first place, that it was just a
mirage due to swarms of silverback gorillas mistaken for a
lake, a theory which Martinez feels is misguided since
silverbacks don't really like to cloister in deep pits but rather
prefer meeting in caves, not to mention there
are no silverbacks in South America.
Santiago Chief de Policio, Rodriguelo Portobello, who has
had his entire force of three detectives
working day and night on this mysterious desiccation
is also skeptical of the so-called "scientific"
explanations and suspects foul play instead: "Carumba!
We are not talking about a leetle tiny leetle lake. It
ees a very grande one and you cannot hide a lake of
this dimension. We will surely catch the banditos
who would steal a lake from the great country of
Chile, you have my word of honor!" Portobello
had no comment, however, to the postulation that
Chilean poppi cartels, which control the entire
global production and distribution of the infamous seeds
that go on bagels, drained the lake illegally to
water their illicit poppi fields.
Parabnormal psychogeophysiognomologist, Herr Docktor
Hermann Von Ludwig, III, of Brazilian National Socialist
University, sees things differently and has
suggested that the real explanation
may be something more untoward and parasinister,
such as alien lake abduction, hyperbolic hysteria,
and mass psychic fluid translocution perpetrated
by Himalayan Tibetan monks to provide irrigation for
their draught-ridden opus fields.
Chilean National Security Advisor, Condoleza
Machete, has proffered the slightly more
grounded postulation that local Lahunta guerilla
terrorists may have destroyed it, suggesting that
the lake was blown up by a canoe bomb since
pieces of canoe were discovered by investigators
on the rocky bottom of the now waterless basin,
a brilliant deduction in this reporter's eyes.
Whatever the real explanation, the disappearance
has caused quite a wave, if you will,
of aqueous paranoia to sweep across Chile
as local militias have posted armed guards around
all inland bodies of water, public water fountains, and
office water coolers
and national Chilean supermarket chains,
such as El Grande Jalapenio, have seen their supplies
of bottled water fly off the shelves causing severe
shortages of effervescent sparkling water in upscale
Santiago restaurants.
BACK TO TOP
|
|
POPE CREATES 23 NEW CARDINALS -
11/24/07
|
VATICAN CITY (APR - ASSOCIATED PAPAL REPORTERS)
Twenty-three brand spanking new Cardinals got down on their
propompitous knees before his beneficience, Pope Benedict XVI, on Saturday to
accept their sacred Cardinal hats during a time-honoured ceremony inducting
them into the elite body that advises and elects popes. The celebration
quickly became disengenuflected, however, when
it was revealed that nine of them are
over 80 years old, thereby making them ineligible to vote
in the upcoming papal election, which has raised outcries of
election tampering in this quaint Roman town of 851. Patrick O'Hara,
of St. Edward's parish in Boston, was enraged upon hearing this news.
"It sure does seem a tad bit peculiar, don't ya think? I mean, what's
the point of hiring somebody to vote if they're too old to vote?
I smell a big fat German rat." It was also discovered
by this reporter that six of the nine are on life support
which will certainly make their attendance at this Thursday night's traditional
Cardinal Innauguration Bingo Bonanza highly unlikely.
|
These same 23 gathered Sunday morning in the Vatican's Popal Genuflectory
for another ceremony in which they received their prestigious Cardinal Rings (which feature
stunning diamond encroached red rubics ensconced in full 10 ct gold plate and
engraved with the new Cardinal's name: "Cardinal so-and-so, Class of 2007"). All around
the Vatican's St. Peter's Square could be heard the whispers of the
irreverent on-lookers, "my precious... my precious..." Pictured at right is
the Ring of new Cardinal Phillipe Richelieu XIII, great, great,
great, great nephew of the infamous French Cardinal
who was Minister of State for War under the Sun King,
Louis XIV, and who was also exiled at Avignon in 1618 for intriguing with
the Queen Mother. Phillipe Richelieu recently returned from self-imposed
exile at St. Tropez for intriguing with the Queen Sister
but he is very apologetic, repentant, exfoliant, and ready to get down to the
business of cardinaling.
The new Cardinals met again on Monday to pick up their Cardinal socks with
gold emblossed initials and then once again on Tuesday night,
the fifth night of Shyamalan, to get their
Cardinal beaks. They return to the Holy Sea one more
time this Friday for a sacred brunch to receive their sacred
Cardinal baseballs and footballs, autographed by the Pope hisself.
Next week, the Blue Jays come to town to receive their
sacred investiments and will probably exercise one of their
draft pick options to acquire Father Rocco DiFiorenzio, the
golden glove second baseman of the Milano Miracles from
the Italian Papal League.
BACK TO TOP
|
GOD ANSWERS JERRY YANG'S PLEAS
TO "LET ME WIN, DEAR LORD" - 7/17/07
|
LAS VEGAS (HIGH ROLLER PRESS)
God shocked the poker world today by answering the desperate pleas of gambler,
Jerry Yang, granting him the luck necessary to take home poker's most
prestigeous title, World Series of Poker Main Event Champion.
Throughout final table action the reverent Yang could be heard
repeatedly pleading, if not outright begging, the Creator to violate
the very laws of probability -- His laws of probability which
He created -- and allow Yang to avoid crippling bad beats on the
turn or river and win hands he might have otherwise been sucked out on.
Yang made no attempt whatsoever to keep secret his pandering
requests of the Big Kahuna to grant him more luck than anyone
else at the table: "Please let me win, dear Lord, please let me win!",
he uttered over and over during hands which could go either way.
And let him win, the Good Lord did - Yang drew out on numberous
players, time and time again, eliminating 7 of the 9 other players
at the final table. It was like magic only it was God at work.
Many of the other players at first thought Yang was merely hitting
some lucky cards but, as the day wore on, and player after player
became eliminated, it became apparent that something else was
going on and that God was, indeed, showing favoritism toward Yang.
Second place finisher, Tuan Lam, was quoted as saying, "Jerry
certainly never be able to wipe out the field the
way he did -- or beat yours truly -- if he didn't have some
sort of help from the Big Guy upstairs, and I ain't talkin' about Steve
Wynn! It was sick at times, especially the way he sucked out
four cards for a straight to win the championship. Why God
would show so much favoritism for an immigrant from Laos, I'll never know."
Lee Childs, who finished seventh, was shocked when he went all-in with
king/jack against Yang, who had a jack/eight, and ended up losing
when an eight came on the turn, giving Yang the miracle win . "Right
then and there, I just knew Yang was on the inside with the Lord.
It just doesn't seem fair. I mean, I pray every now and then."
A mathematical analysis of the final table action conducted at
the UNLV Laboratory For Games of Chance, revealed that the
probability of Yang pulling off the sequence of hands which
he pulled off was somewhere in the neighborhood of 70,000 to 1,
which is quite rare and which points directly to divine
intervention. Of course, God, for his part, could not be
reached for comment but, when presented with the numeric
facts, Father Guido Romano of the Our Lady of Luck parish
on the Strip in Las Vegas said only, "Hey, dems da dice",
a sentiment echoed by WSOP tournament director, Robert Daily,
who said there was nothing he could do about God's
intervention in the tournament except continue to
comp church prelates plenty of E-Z Pull slot tokens and
2-for-1 vouchers at the Carnival buffet. "There's nothing
in the rule book about ecclesiastical cheating".
|
Yang was so happy with the Good Lord's support, he pledged to donate 1 full
percent of his winnings to charities and swore that he would attend church "often",
especially when he is not on vacation.
BACK TO TOP
|
|
|
