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BREAKING NEWS  Donald Trump Agrees To Tell The Truth For One Full Hour On October 10, 2017, between 2AM and 3AM PST  Man Beheaded By Exploding Milkshake Machine  Gater Lost In Residential Area Still Not Found  Man Releases Gas In Crowded Subway, Several Patrons Incensed, Identity Of Perp Still Unknown  Beer Keg Explodes At Party: Hundreds Inebriated   Brussels Police Test Anti-Effluviant Barricade WORLD  Scientists Test Enuf Well, Tell Villagers "Leave It Alone"  Royal Birthday Cake Not Very Palatable  Pandas Jailed In Beijing For Pandering  Swedish Man Arrested For Wearing One Sock In Public  Algerian Man Runs Stop Sign At Oasis  Cooking Children Still Popular In Jakarta  Pakistanis Replace Old Fashioned Iron Rails With New Balsa Ones  Pesky Swans Finally Removed From Swan Lake  Terrorists Hit Fireworks Factory In Jibip, Victims Send Thank You Note To Bin Laden  Koreans Harvest Whale Dung  Ferris Wheel Spins Out Of Control In Berlin, Scores Vomit  Italy Shrinks Mysteriously Overnight  Chinese Students Protest Stereotype That They All Look Alike And That They Pander To American Styles Such As Stone-Washed Jeans  Polish Muslim Terrorists Slam Cargo Jet Into Mt. Fuji, None Killed  Milan: Guiness Record Set For Most Meatballs Made In One Second  Obama's Shocking Revelation at Summit: "I Hate Sprouts" NATIONAL  Washington Monument Renamed Clinton Monumorial In Huge Ceremony - Thongs Of Followers Come, Protesters Try To Block Action With Huge Obelisk Comdom  Land Sharks Raid Malibu Beach Killing Everyone  Missourian Bubba Beaudreaux Able to Salvage One Precious Family Heriloom From Flooded House  Roanoke Bullies Terrorize Playground, Dominate Jungle Gym  Milwaukee Zoo Attempts To Bolster Sagging Attendance With Interspecies Porn Acts  California Man Grinds Off Nose To Spite Face  Chicago Man Taunts Crock With Fish  Disgruntled Parks Engineer Unplugs Lake Michigan  LA Kings Present President Obama with Silver Hockey Stick During White House Celebration For The Stanley Cup Champions. Obama Quips, "Maybe This'll Help Me Score Tonight" MEDICAL  Man Falls Down, Gets Up On Own, Sheds Yoke Of Dependence On Life Alert  OCD Patient Goes Berzerk In Barns And Noble Looking For Books About OCD POLICE  Improving Relations: Rio Policeman Cools Woman With Refreshing Mist  Mexico City Police Captain Fired For Corruption  Man Arrested For Impersonating Zippo Lighter  Street Light Thief Nabbed, Eyewitnesses Identify In Lineup SCIENCE  Chinese Cloning Program Big Success  Archeolgists Find Egyptian Family Still Alive In Tomb After 3700 Years  Nepalese Professor Proves Two Heads Better Than One  Polish Nuke Test Big Dud, Onlookers Disappointed, Demand Ticket Refund  Freak Levatating Boy Put To Work Reaching Things Up High  Amazing Breakthrough Allows Scientists To Grow Wheat In Sky  Government Sprays Malathion Over San Francisco To Quell Outbreak Of Homosexuality  Entrance To Hell Finally Discovered Near Modesto  Bridge Demolitioned To Make Way For New River PSYCHOLOGY  Paranormal Psychologists Investigate Strange Possession Of NY Highrise  Child Pioneers Research In Sensory Deprivation In Domesticated Cats SPORTS  Tennis Gaining In Popularity In Sauldi Arubbia  Senile Demented Ref Thought He Was Back In '39 Army-Navy Game, Tackles Heisman Running Back, Gives Self 15 Yard Penalty  Rioter Attempts Last Minute Field Goal With Child's Head  Janey Swims Brooklyn Cess Pool In Under Two Hours, Sets New World Record  Roger Clemens' Steroid Laced Glove Found In Yankee Stadium  Man Runs NY Marathon On Belly To Protest Something, Comes In Dead Last OLYMPICS  LA Gang Member Carlos Rodriguo Wins Gold In Shiv Fencing  No.1 Seed Georgia Musters Only Bronze In Greek Thumb Wrestling, Gregor "Knuckles" Krajaziki Disappointed  Tajikistan Blows Away Field, Takes Gold In Gay Wrestling  Turkey Disqualified After Illegal Head Butt  Canadian Women Celebrate Gold With Panamanian Gold Obtained From Panama's Ice Luge Team ART  LAPD On Full Alert After Threat To Deface Human Statue MUSIC  Rock Band 'Bush' Not Wanted In Cheshire England, Too Loud They Say  Michael Jackson Undergoes Species Change Operation ENTERTAINMENT  Demi Goes On Crash Diet Since Kutcher Betrayal In Hopes of Landing Even Younger Man  Investigation Gets To The Bottom Of Richard Gere Rodent Rumor  Carrot Top To Testify To US Senate About Steroid Abuse Among Two-bit Cheezy No-Talent So-Called Commedians  Phyllis Diller Still Alive And Well  Jet Li Destroys Entire Movie Set Because Craft Services Had No Red Vines  Jackson Comeback Uncertain In Wake Of Real Death  Kim Jong-Il Posts Head Shot On Actors.com, Eyes Career In Hollywood After Korea Burnt To Nuclear Cinder FASHION  Mormon Polygamist Women Do It Again, Set Exciting New Fashion Trends, Just Like Back In '67 (1867, that is)  Tibettans Test Theory That It Is Impossible To Be Torn Limb From Limb While Wearing Chinese Levi Straus Knock Offs  Low Turnout At Muslim Fashion Show Worries Investors LEISURE  Harold Robinson On Holiday In Somalia Photographs Local Fauna  Iranian Family Goes On First Vacation In Recorded History - "I said, 'smile, Allah damit!'"  Pet Gator Keeps Pesky Kids Out Of Backyard  Lebanese Halloween Parade Big Success  Koreans Love Salt More Than Any Other People On The Face Of The Earth  National Barbecue-n-Opium Brau Fest Begins In Islamabamabad  Canadians Electrocute Fish For Fun BUSINESS  Siamese Twin Bulls Slaughtered To Make Double Whoppers  Trojan Display Gets Blown (By Wind) At Condom Convention  New Alabama Car Wash Closes After Complaints About Chlorine Smell In Upholstery And Rubber Duckies In Engines  Budget Cuts Cause Iceland To Use Frigid Women To Keep Shipping Lanes Open  Harvest Time At Crayola Crayon Plantation, 3 New Colors Grown: Blood Red, Puss White, Urine Yellow  Man Makes Moonshine Out Of Chickadees POLITICAL  Korean Spies Spotted Near Pentagon  Clinton: "I like totally forgot my meeting with the Russian Prime Minister!"  Democratic Pres Candidate Barack Obama Discusses Benefits Of Being Half Black  N Korean Flubber Shoes Latest Threat To West  Tkslovaki Guards Receive Ritual Oral Indoctrination From Prime Minister  Woman Speaks In Public For First Time In Middle East History  Nobody Shows Up For Republican Ron Paul's Town Hall Meeting In Boston - Candidate Undaunted  Guiliani Refuses To Eat Elephant Cortex At African Fundraiser  Senate Chairperson Takes Much Needed Break From Overseeing Senate Chairs MILITARY  Army Budget Cuts Affecting Front Line Troops  Former President Bush Spends Day Recruiting For Army To Bolster Shrunken Ranks, His Way of "Makin' Up" For Blunders In Middle East  Mexican Navy "Frog Dogs" Pose Latest Threat To US Navy  Giant Laser-guided Pencils Now Used For Propaganda In Afghanistan  Congo Soldier Gives Visiting U.S. Ambassador Finger (And Thumb)  Polish Navy Frogmen Test New Diving Bell RELIGION  Pennsylvania Dutch Abandon Taboo On Modern Contrivance  Methedrine Big Problem At This Year's Mecca Fest EDUCATION  Chinese School Gets New Pencil |
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The Dockta's unabridged coverage
of 
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WASHINGTON, DC (ARYAN NEWS)
On the eve of St. Shamrock Day, the holiest of holy days in the realm of McIntosh elfdom, Mark Zuckerberg, chairman, founder, creator, progentrator,
starterupper and CEO of Facebook, exploded the news world with shocking news that he is, as has been suspected by many from the day of his first internet trade
show, of elf descendency, his ancestors hailing from the McIntosh region of the county of Magillicutty Blog in the heart of Sh'infein Mo'ors.
Nearly teary-eyed, Zuckerberg expressed remorse at having kept his true identity (his elf name is Cleon McCinnamon) secret for so many years.
"I can't tell you how many times I wanted to tell everybody but I was like afraid of what everybody would think of me.
Would they accept me as a friend? Would they heart me? Would they share with me? Would they give me a good faceblogging when I needed it?
Would people make fun of my ears like they did in Blarney Village when I was but a wee elflet?" Zuck explained that, though hiding in the showdows of life
had an upshot - he spent nearly every waking hour thinking up stuff about social media, which is why he became a zillionaire - all the money
could not ease his twinkleheart pain. "Today I am at ease. I probably won't invent another thing as long as I live". Zuckerberg ended his interview
with an expession of hope and encouragement for other clandestooned elves. After receiving an overwhelming amount of support from FB fans world wide, he said,
"I hope I can serve as a role model for other elves living in subsequestration. I want them to know, it's like totally okay to be who you are, to reveal unto the world
that you are who you are... what you are... no matter how pathetic you look. The world will eventually accept you, as it has did me. Except for my foster parents who
immediately disavowed me. They're alcoholics, though."
WASHINGTON, DC (ARYAN NEWS)
President Donald Trump added to his long list of retroactive pardons today in an Oval Office ceremoney in which he pardoned
former Nazi leader, Adolf Hilter, with a stroke of a presidential pen. Mr. Hitler had long been near the top of the president's candidates for
pardoning, along with Wall Street cons, Bernie Madoff and Michael Milken, serial murderer, Jack the Ripper, and former Mongol leader, Genghis Khan,
and he decided recently, in partial tribute
to the creation of mini-concentration camps for detaining illegal undesirables along the
US-Mexico border, to move forward with that act, noting that Adolf Hilter has long been the victim of "fake news" at the hands of the Jewish-controlled
media and he declared the Nuremburg trials to be a hoax and a witch hunt. The president proclaimed also that he owes a lot of his success and assumption to the
presidency to the ideals and tactics of Hitler. Just before signing the pardon documents, Trump said, "A lot of people have been telling me,
you should pardon Hitler. He was a good guy. He was treated very very unfairly by the press. He had good ideas. Lots of good ideas.
It's a shame what the Democrats have done to tarnish his reputation. I hope the Hitler family
can get some satisfaction out of this post-humerous pardination. It's been a long time coming".
LONDON, ENGLAND (JOLLY GOOD NEWS SYNDICATE)
Song-writing guitar god and Rolling Stones perennial, Keith Richards, who died two years ago, has recently risen from the dead. Having suffered from
near-death experience for pretty much the last 50 years, Richards finally succumed to the weight of the world in October, 2015, and was laid to
rest at Darlington Abby Cemetery on North Southumberland Roade, in East South Hampton on the West side of Gaffney near Nickle Lane. He miraculously
rose from the dead on Tuesday at 10:42 Greenwich time and was seen out and about and pub nubbing in Cockneytown. He gave no reason for returning
from the dead and does not remember dying two years ago. It is rumored the he is preparing to return to the post-mortem world soon, maybe this weekend,
based on reports from inside souces that he has amassed several ounces of cocaine, two cases of Hennessy, several kegs of Guiness and a pound of
NaNaGooGoo modified medical marijuana.
BRIDGEWATER, NEW JERSEY (SCAG NETWORK NEWS)
Between hole 8 and 9 on his New Jersey golf course, President trump proposed a radical new treatment 
for opioid addiction which is in line with his recent proclamation that the best way to combat drug addiction is to tell kids it's "no good, really bad for you".
This solution, however, presents some difficulty in dealing with the millions of adults currently addicted to opiates.
bad for you in every way known to the
mind of man." Trump acknowledged his own battle with addition: "I know a lot about addiction. I have been addicted to large pieces of chocolate cake for many years,
something I battle with every day, bigly."
A way-back machine has actually been under development theoretically for several years as part of a CIA program to go back in time and prevent the birth of known
terrorists and US enemies, like Osama Bin Laden, Hillary Clinton, Kim Jung Un and maybe even Adolf Hitler, who was, himself, addicted to powerful drugs. But, the latter would
require a mission even farther back in time so as to introduce prophylactics to the world which would then be given to the perp mothers for use during normal conjugal relations.
"Such a weapon as a way-back machine would be invaluable in our fight against addiction, crime
and non-existent climate change", Trump said. "Only time will tell if the program works." The president assured members of Congress that the time reversal technology
would never be used to influence the stock market which, he said, would be a violation of insider trading laws.
VATICAN (VATICAN NEWS NETWORK)
The First Family graced the Vatican today with an unannounced visit to the Pope, who was understandably elated to have the most popular president
ever drop in for Sunday brunch. Trump was accomanied by his neices and nephew, his wife, his daughter and his dead mother Theresa.
BUTTE MONTANA (LUNCH MEAT MONTHLY)
Jared Fogel, the former "Subway Guy", responded today to the charge made by ex-Florida TV journalist turned FBI infomant, Rochelle Herman, that he told her that "middle school girls are hot".
According to Herman, during an event at a Florida school, "He said something 
to me when we were off camera and that really
stuck with me". So disturbed was she by the now-deposed spokesman's comment that she contacted the FBI. "I thought he was a perv for sure".
Fogel responded today through Brooklyn attorney, Lou Domingo, that the comment was entirely innocent and not at all sexually deviant, that he was only referring to the fact
that the girls in the gym where the event took place were sweating and
therefore must be hot. "It was the temperature of the females in question to which my client was speaking. His comments had absolutely nothing to do with any sort of
deviant reference to young tang being lusiously ar tantalizingly appealing to the man's psyclesexual libido. No sir." 
Attorney Domingo has also claimed that the 14 year-old girls with whom Fogle admits having sex in New York City "looked like they were, oh, somewhere around 17 or 18",
so he doesn't feel Fogle should be held accountable for molestation in the classic sense. At most, Domingo claims, he is perhaps only guilty of "disrespectful
fondulation of consenting legal-aged persons of which whom are not minors but rather are majors".
Since becoming an FBI informant, Herman has informed on a number of friends, relatives and neighbors for everything from failure to pick up dog feces with a pooper scooper to
not coming to a complete stop at stop signs. She ratted out her next door neighbor for possesion of an illegal cable box, dropped a dime on her former high school sweetheart
for stealing a geography exam from Mr. Hitchings' desk back in '87, and snitched on her very own husband for dummying up cash receipts on their '09 tax returns.
She even blabbed on her own self for eating chips from open bags in the Piggly Wiggly.
NORMAN OKLAHOMA (CORN STALKERS NEWS CONGLOMERATE)
Kyle Regibald III, President of the University of Oklahoma's chapter of Sigma Alpha Episilon, the national and prestigious univerisity fraternity organization with chapters at
nearly every major academic institution in the United States, responded today in an exclusive interview with Docktored News anchorman, Smedley Brown, to the video depicting reputed SAE members
partying on a bus and singing what appears to sound like a racially charged booster song. The video has sparked widespread outrage on the U of Oklahoma campus, on several Oklahoma farming collectives, and across the nation at large,
because the students in the video appear to be singing the racially-unreprehensible lyrics, "there will never be, a n****er in SAE". However, Regibald has made the claim that the members of the chapter
were singing something else, something completely innocent and that the whole affair is nothing more than a complete misunderstanding. 
"What the students were actually singing was, 'there will never be, a DIGGER in SAE'", which references, according to Regibald, the long-held position of the organization against the activities of Archaeology and
Archaeological Anthropology. "We at Sigma Alpha Episilon have a long history of antitheitcal opposition to the
practice of digging up antique human remains and disturbing sacred human burial localities on the Earth for the sick purpose of displaying such exhumated human corpses and bodies in museums and
carnival shows all for the sole purpose of the almighty dollar." The students (seen in the photo to the right at their annual "We Hate Diggers" kegger), Regibald insisted, "were merely exorcizing their rights as academic Americans to disagree
with a sack religious branch of science that defiles and desiccates the final resting places of so many unknown souls who should by all rights be allowed to remain undisturbed lest their souls become unsettled
and eternally at unrest and upheavaled, forced to roam the aether in limbo, like lost ships on the sea of Nevermore. Besides, we here at SAE like Black folks alot and we actually talked about letting like one or
two of them in over the next decade or whatever".
University of Oklahoma president, David Boren, has declared the students' behavior to be nothing short of despicable and has, in fact, shut down the SAE fraternity. Charter pres Regibald responded
that what has occurred is clearly an example of the powerful psychological phenomenon he learned about in his Psych 101 class called the 
NEW YORK (POLITINEWS)
New York Mayor Bloomberg, while stymied in his attempt to eliminate jumbo soft drinks in New York City, 
has not only vowed to appeal the court's decision
but has also vowed to embark upon a few new food limitation campaigns:
2) eliminate the "family size" box of Coco Puffs;
3) eliminate the "ballpark" size of Nathan's hotdogs;
4) eliminate the extra large Megga Dominator pizza at Dominos; and lastly,
5) do away with the "El Mucho Grande" burrito at Taco Time. 
HOUSTON (SPACE PRESS)
NASA scientists have assured America today that scary conspiratorial rumors about the world ending in 2012
are nothing more than mistaken, erroneous, untrue conjecture promulgated by unsound, flawed, mistaken misinterpretation
of the ancient Mayan calendar by specious, spurious, sophistic people. The misleading scuttlebutt innuendo is purported to be all talk,
unfounded, unsupported, uncorroborated, unproven, empty, unsubstantiated, misleading, unwarranted, unjustified, without
good cause or reason, and baseless, say the nation's top celestial non-prevaricating pontificators.
An anonymous, unnamed, unspecified non-spokesperson un-close to the source of the government revelation debunkers stated in an unofficial,
off-the-record, clandestine hush-hush interview on the QT that the inappropriate and improprietous doomsday suggestions are mere canards of informal
grapevine tittle-tattle chattle and whipsers of loose lip speculations that are full of holes, innaccurate, phonylicious, false-fronting, lie-injected and
uncorroborated. Such inaccurate, fallacious, faulty, misguided and bogus misunderstandings have been disseminated, mistakenly and wrongly, in
make-believe, incorrect, untrue doomsday message boards online without justification, basis or foundation and, besides being irrational,
illogical, and misguided, are incompletely without reason, groundless, fictitiously fabricated buzz and the word on the street is they
are mostly made up, imaginary, unreasonable, ill-founded, misinformed gossip bordering on being scandalous idle hearsay. At the risk of obfuscating the
truth, the source said she thought the risky theorizing was "way out" and "off base" but refused to proffer an educated guess in regards to the accuracy or
inaccuracy of the hypothetical verismilitude surrounding the believability or implausibility of the unlikelihood that the Mayan calendar contains
anything even close to an authentic or factual assessment of viability as it pertains to prediction and postulatativeness of the end of all
creation which, in and of itself, has been drawn into serious question in reference to the seeming lack of provable facts surrounding its own very existance. Nay, there can be
no end to that which has not yet to have begun.
JIBIP (DISSOCIATED PRESS)
In a dramatic and historic accord, today, the Jewish people and the Arab people decided to resolve all of their antiquated squabbles,
which have been on-going since biblical times, and to live in harmony from hence forth, side by side, as direct neighbors, until eternity
occurs, or at least until some other, non-middle-eastern holy land dispute materializes on some other part of the globe. The harmonious end
to several thousand years of bickering came when Arab and Jewish leaders made concession after concession in what has been widely heralded as
the greatest assuaging of human discord since the near impossible reconciliation between Blacks and Caucasians which threw down last July in Birmingham.
Foremost on the list of concessions is that the Arabs decided not to continue their insistence that Israel return lands grabbed during the Six-Day War,
some 45-odd years ago, when the Israeli armed forces decimated the various Arab factions in the conflict. They also gave Israel total control over
all holy sites in the holy land, including Jerusalem, a concession deemed by many clerics here in the U. S. as "tantamount to a miracle". Father John
McMullen of St. Ann's parish in, New Bedford, was quoted at last night's bible bingo: "God really stepped up to the collection plate and hit a homer
on this one."
The Jewish people were apparently so shocked and overwhelmed by the Arab yields that there was unanimous agreement in the Jewish Parliament to totally
remove all Israeli settlers from the conquered lands. Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, issued the following directive: "All Jewish settlers
should vacate their homes and businesses immediately and return to their homeland. If they do not wish to return, perhaps they can emigrate to America
where they will find plenty of work in the film business. In any case, they must vacate."
as, Tel Aviv and Nazareth, the very hometown of God. The Arabs remained steadfast, however, in their conviction that the Jewish settlements shall remain right
where they stand and rejected outright any pandering offers of additional Jewish lands, a sad attempt, according to Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud
Abbas, by the Jewish leaders to coerce their formerly biblical enemies into an embarrassing acceptance of additional real estate, adding, "Arabs have
unshakable, unsinkable and unassailable pride!"
But, many Jewish settlers have already filled their donkey carts with their possessions and frankincense and have begun the long exodus back to Jewish
territory. Sadly, there were several border skirmishes as Hamas militants attempted to block Jewish settlers from exiting the formerly disputed settled
territories. Yehuda Rabin, a 28-year-old diamond merchant and Gaza strip settler, was quoted as saying, "Oi! We will return to Israel or die trying and
take a few hard-headed Arabs with us!"
throughout both communities. Both sides agreed to never again raise their voices or their swords in anger, against each other, in the name of God, Allah,
Yahweh, Jehoshaphat or Shenobi. There was widespread belief on the streets of Bethlehem, Beirut, Rashid, Damascas and Hebron that peace and harmony will
make people happier and more prosperous than the war and discord that has been going on and on and on and on and on, year after year, decade after decade,
century after century, ad infinitum.
Most of the concessions from both sides began to flow when the result of a bipartisan theological study showed that the Koran and the Torah are actually
derived translations of the very same ancient scrolls, a misunderstanding of "biblical proportions", which has undoubtedly been responsible for the
unnecessary deaths of thousands on both sides.
These two historic sects even forgave each other for various effronteries going back to biblical times. The Egyptians said they were "very sorry" for having
enslaved the Jews for several hundred years, leading to the big Exodus, after having sent them packing into the desert and then changing their minds. The Jews
were elated following this apology and totally forgave their fellow Semites for understandably enslaving them since labor was in such short supply at that
time in history.
In line with the celebratory atmosphere, all Arab countries, except for one, Abu Dhabi, abandoned centuries-old taboos on the sale and consumption of alcohol
and allowed open bottles and partying til dawn in the streets of their straw villages and mud cities. Leaders of Abu Dhabi, however, the only Arab nation to
resist the ban on alcohol, said that Abu Dhabi was hard enough for foreigners to pronounce and spell already without compounding the problem with alcohol.
One lone dissenter, a Palestinian named Kareem Abdul Jawar, rumored to be the oldest living citizen in Palestine at 122 years, claimed that he could not "bury the
saber" because to do so would take away his only reason for living, that being seeing the day when all Jews are finally crushed and exterminated by the hand
of Allah, "like so many filthy sand beetles". He added, "besides, what good is life without a good Jihad?!" No other Arabs were found who would concur with
that opinion, not even Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who publically rescinded his call for the complete and utter annihilation of Israel and
replaced it with an invitation for Israel to expand its borders through Syria and into Iran where it could claim as much territory as it wished (taking
into consideration the new understanding of middle-east borders as described recently by Republican presidential nominee, Mitt Romney, during an important
debate).
Former President George W. Bush, bewildered by this landmark reconciliation, wondered what effect it would have on the "war on terrorism" started by him.
"Our country needs a good war to pull it out of the black and put its people back to work and I worked very hard to jump start war over there between the
camel jockies. I'm not sure Suzy Komenski, a young single mother of six paraplegic children, who works in the camouflage plant in Butte, Montana, or
Willy I. Johnson, father of sixteen, who works at the U. S. Ordinance, Inc. machine gun plant in Reno, will take too kindly to the thought of going
back to peace and unemployment. No sir, we NEED for those two middle eastern peoples to keep up their ageless, senseless, squabble - it's good for
our economy and it's what keeps the American people in jobs and that's what the people are grumbling about today - more jobs - and if I were still
in the White House, if I were Mr. Obama, I would do all I could in my power to upset the applecart over there and get those folks back at each other's
throats again and keep America working." Neither the Palestinian Authorities nor the Israeli Primary Minister cared to offer a comment on the former
president's comments. Netanyahu did ask, however, "Is he still alive? If I had dropped the ball on the security of my country - ignoring all the clear warning signs -
and let a 911-like attack happen in Israel, my people would string me up by the heels, remove my testicles with desk sizzors, and pour hot camel urine into the hole!"
BOCA RATON, FLORIDA (BOCA SNOOP)
The early dawn calm in Boca Raton, Florida, was shattered today by sirens as police responded to reports of a break-in
at the Brinks Home Security world corporate headquarters. A woman walking her dog saw suspicious activity at the facility
and text-messaged authorities with the Citizens Watch ap. Apparently, a bunch of burglar alarms and security cameras were
taken. No arrests have been made and police have no suspects in custody.
A security camera image revealed the masked scoundrels entering the lunchroom where they apparently took several sandwiches from
a vending machine without paying. A source close to the investigation, who has asked to remain anonymous, has said that two security guards, Willy McDermott
and Janice Dittlebank, were clocked in but apparently were not at their post at the front door at the time of the break-in.
Police discovered the guards asleep on the floor in front of a filing cabinet in a store room. The guards reportedly have claimed that
the intruders forced them strip down and go to sleep.
HOUSTON, TEXAS (LONG HORN PRESS)
In a recent interview for his new autobiography, former presidential candidate and mulit-quadrillionaire, Ross Perot,
said that he is worried that America is so weakened economically that it is a sitting duck for a hostile takeover
by some foreign invader. He said neither of the presidential candidates is aware of the impending danger nor possesses
the ability to do anything about it before or after we are attacked.
is mostly water ice, which I happen to love on a hot Texas Summer day, and you'd have to be dumber than a flea on a
mechanical horse not to see the road system on the surface of that moon, indicating that an advanced primordial
extraterrestrial intelligence resides there. If they are keepin an eye on us, lookin for weakness before they pounce,
well, now's the best time since the Great Depression, which my carpetbagger parents lived through during the dust bowl.
Now - there's also a very great chance that the alien invaders who built the great pyramids and them Nazca line drawings
down in Peru might return.
I'm told they might come through one o' them black holes, which the space experts now think might
be smaller than a titmouse in a barnyard. Does Matt Romney or Mr. O'bamba know even the slightest thing about black holes or telestars?
The chance is fatter than a Guernsey before milkin'. What can they do about it? Nuthin. That's where I come in.
I have billions of dollars which I could use to
help bolster our planetary defenses with laser beams and whatnot and help show these potential invaders that we will
not lay down and allow ourselves to be packaged off to some foreign planet like sardines in a can. That's why I, Ross Perot,
am entering the presidential race at such a late stage. I did not abandon you, my American children. I am here for you.
You bought computers from me and I appreciate that. So, let's stand up and fight the aliens together, hook and nail."
EXETER, NEW HAMPSHIRE (ROUTERS)
Mitt Romney's speech at his campaign rally at an Exeter high school was interrupted repeatedly by angry
protesters who shouted incessantly, "Mitt kills jobs". Some were escorted out, but the shouts did not stop. Romney,
campaigning just days before the New Hampshire primary, said to them, "I'm happy to have you guys express your views,
only, next time, and in no way am I trying to tread on your First Amendment rights, if you wouldn't mind being a little nicer and
polite and courteous, and use inside voices, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks a bunch. There's schnickerdoodle cookies and milk in the back."
Nevertheless, the protests continued unabated...
ALBUQUERQUE, NEW MEXICO (ASSOCIATED MEDICAL REPORTERS)
Jorge Pierna lost his right leg in a freak elevator door accident
ten years ago when he tried to hold the door open for his mother
who had, oddly enough, lost her own leg in a freak escalator accident ten
years prior while assisting his grandmother, who was on crutches from
a fall down a flight of stairs. Since the accident, Pierna has
suffered continuous extreme pain from the amputated leg, pain
referred to as "phantom limb pain", a syndrome first described more
than five hundred years ago. Pierna has undergone numerous forms of
physical and psychological therapy for the debilitating disability
but nothing has served to relieve the agony he feels on a
daily basis from the absentee leg. Heat application, biofeedback,
relaxation training, massage to the amputation stump, acupuncture,
inacupuncture, transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation (TENS),
and direct electrification to the peri-aqueductal grey
pain centers in the brain stem brought no relief whatsoever, nor did
a wide variety of drugs, including, analgesics, neuroleptics,
anticonvulsants, tricyclic antidepressants, bicyclic antidepressants,
beta-blockers, sodium channel blockers, sun blockers, ecstasy, cocaine,
methamphetamine, model glue, chloroform, and aspergum. He underwent Freudian
psychotherapy, cognitive restructuring, aversive behavioral counter-conditioning,
systematic terror exposure therapy, irrational emotive shock treatment,
humanistic primal yelp therapy,
and active listening training. It seemed nothing the doctors or psychologists
did mattered. Jorge became suicidal and quit his job. He left his wife
and killed his dog. He refused to eat meat and wandered the streets
on the weekends. His life was in turmoil.
And then Jorge heard about a new, radical, revolutionary -- and controversial -- procedure being
performed at The Center For Cruel and Unusual Pain: Phantom Limb and
Specter Headaches Department, in Pueblo, Colorado. It seemed the
Doctors at this exclusive desert medical retreat
facility had gotten a "leg up" on this debilitating disorder -- and their
purported success rate was an unimaginable 98 percent. So, Jorge
decided one last time to try to rid himself of the ersatz yoke of phantom limb
pain. He decided to undergo the pioneering and unorthodox procedure.
Finally, the doctors go through the motions
of suturing up the sham incisions
and the patient is taken to a bogus recovery room. In fact, the doctors,
themselves, are not real doctors at all but rather are nothing more
than mere out-of-work has-been actors from the canceled medical TV series, Emergency
Room, who undergo further flimflam training at the Willis School of Hack Acting in Los Angeles.
The radical procedure also includes post-operative
follow up appointments with the "doctors" as well as illusory physical
therapy sessions on the nonexistent limb and unreal prescriptions for
placebo pain killers (actually Flintstone vitamins with the limbs removed).
BATON ROUGE (UNITED PARANORMAL PRESS) A man shocked fellow members of the American Society of Superstition
at their annual convention here when he revealed on Monday night that, contrary to what would normally be
expected by the over 200 members in attendance, he received seven years of good luck, rather than bad luck,
from a mirror he accidentally broke back in 2003. Luke Smythe, of 1313 Chancery Street, Baton Rouge, made his
claim during a question and answer session following a convention seminar entitled, "Step On A Crack: Fiction
or Fact" , whose guest speakers included the likes of Felix Worcheski, record holder of the longest losing streak
in Las Vegas slot machine history (726 quarters played without a single payout), Shiva Paisley, owner of the largest
collection of dyed rabbits feet in the world (42,622), and Dexter Boniface, whose acclaimed book, Picking Winning
Lottery Numbers, has topped the list of best selling paranormal books two years a running. Mr. Smythe said he felt
compelled to, "dispel the myth that bad luck is the only sort of luck that can arise from breaking a mirror ".
Smythe, a 13-year member of the association, immediately
thought he was in for seven years of bad luck. But, he said,
he was quite shocked and pleased when incredibly, just days after the incident, good luck started coming his way when
he narrowly avoided hitting a dog while doing 80 on the Interstate. He ran over the mutt but, apparently, the wheels
of his 4x4 just missed squishing it and the animal scampered off into the bayou. About one week after the breakage of
the mirror, Smythe found a $20 dollar bill blowing across the street in front of his house and within the first year,
he had won $150 in the Super Quikie Scratchers lottery, $621.52 at Keno at the Boontown Casino, a self-basting
Thanksgiving turkey from Pigley Wigley, and a $1 raffle drawing at LeGrand's Crawdad-n-Brew, netting him a 1-day/3-night
stay at Jack's beautiful Gator Ranch near Lake Pontchartrain, including one free souvenir alligator wallet.
But, the strongest evidence that Smythe is in the throes
of a veritable good luck cavalcade came when he recently clicked
open an email from a Mr. Salihu Ahmed, with the auditing and account unit of the Africa Development Bank (ADB), who informed
him that his department came across "a very huge sum of money belonging to a deceased person who died on 16th February 1998
in a plane crash", and that the fund has been, "dormant in an account with this Bank without any claim of the fund in their
custody either from the victim's family or relation before his discovery to that development" and that, although personally,
Ahmed keeps this information "secret within himself to enable the whole plans and idea be Profitable and successful during
the time of execution", he was willing to put his reputation on the line. The said amount was, "U.S $9.2M (NINE million
TWO hundred Thousand United States dollars)". And, the incredible thing is, Smythe need only provide "a very small and
reasonable document processing fee ($4500 dollars U.S.) in order to lay claim" to this treasure trove, a pittance compared
to those millions. Smythe said he promptly sent a cashiers check to Mr. Ahmed so as to lock up the funds and is awaiting
Mr. Ahmed's return from his vacation in Mecca after which he said the money will be promptly sent.
And, to top it all off, as if this good fortune were not
enough, Smythe received yet another pot-of-gold email recently,
this time from a Dr. Pinkett Griffin, official fiduciary contact person for the UK National Lottery, who informed Smythe
that his e-mail address had won the U.K. cyber lotto draw held on 10th September 2011 and that he has been approved for a
lump sum payout £1,000,000.00 (GBP) One Million Pounds and that all he has to do to file and claim his winning is, again,
pay a nominal claim assessment fee ($1200) and fly to the U.K. with the cash. It really does seem like Smythe has been
absolutely blessed by the proverbial gods of bonne chance.
YELLOWKNIFE, NORTHWEST TERRITORY, CANADA, (DRI - DESERT REPORTERS INTERNATIONAL)
Canada unveiled its answer to Dubai's famous indoor ski resort, built
in a blistering Middle East desert, when it opened the doors to its fantastic
indoor desert resort in the icy cold Canadian arctic city of
Yellowknife in the Northwest Territory.
The multi-leveled complex, aptly named The Canadian Desert Resort, contains
over 325 million tons of real desert sand, imported from such far away reaches
as the Gobi, Kalahari, and Sahara deserts, and comprises more than 40
acres of artificial, man-made desert on six floors, each re-creating
a different famous desert.
Owner, creator and desert philanthropist, Canadian trillionaire, Eric
McDugall, pictured here with wife, Kitty, and brother, James,
said he is happier that a salmon in a spawning pool to
see his 5-year, 8-billion-dollar pet project finally come to
fruition. "I got the idea when I was in the Middle East on
business, eh? I was in Dubai and I saw they were building a giant
indoor ski resort right in the middle of the desert, eh? So, I
got to thinking, maybe we ought build a desert right here in the
middle of the frozen Canadian arctic bad lands. If they could do the
seemingly impossible in Dubai, I thought we could seemingly do it, too, eh?"
The Canadian Desert Resort features many desert activities, including camel
polo, Gila trapping, dune surfing, sand hockey, cross-country sand skiing, demolition dune
buggy, sand sled dog races, and a real mock-up of an artificial
desert oasis, complete with fake mirages and fake campground facilities.
Visitors can even go on a three day Ali Baba adventure through all
six desert floors, complete with camel caravan, 40 thieves, and
a harem of 21 virgins.
McDugall has also populated the indoor desert complex with fauna and
flora indigenous to the desert world, including rattle and sidewinder
snakes, scorpions, iguanas, geckos, fire ants, stinkbugs, chuckwallas, buzzards, and vultures.
"We want our visitors to experience what it's like to be lost in the
desert without a compass, with no water, no TV, and surrounded by
dangerous animals and predators -- only, we'll be watching them the whole
time with magic carpet cams".
The Royal Canadian Mounted Police have created a special unit to patrol
the vast indoor desert territory. Head of Grizzly Division, Captain
George French, of Fort Saskawachatoon, announced a continuous Mountie
presence in the facility: "It is our sworn duty, eh? as Royal Canadian
Mounties, with a history going back over 130 years, eh? to protect,
keep safe, and watch out for, our fellow sovereign Canadians, no
matter where they choose to go in this vast wilderness we love
and call Oh Canada, eh? This inside desert idea of Mr. McDugall's is
a new territory for us Mounties, eh? a new challenge from which we
shall not sway nor waver, for a Mountie is fearless, steadfast,
loyal, true blue and honest in all situations that involve Canadians, eh?"
The remote arctic resort, located nearly 3000 miles from the nearest
hint of human civilization, has been open for a little over a month but has
seen only eight visitors. McDugall is not at all worried by the low turnout,
however. "I'm sure that Canadians far and wide will flock to this
marvelous and authentic desert attraction", he said, "just as soon
as the weather breaks, eh? Visitors can get a flight directly into
Saskatoon from Edmonton, and from there, there will be daily dog
sled trains across the glacial outland, over the Tundra Pass, across the
great permafrost fields, through the land of the lost moors and
bogs, over the Northwest Passage,
across the ice highway, and on into Yellowknife proper, eh? Should take the average
traveler about two weeks to get here in Summer, when the weather's
above 20 below and below 20 above. Winter, should take a few weeks longer.
It's a bit of a trek to get here but, hey,
they'll find it's worth it. We keep it over a hundred degrees
year round inside, plus we have plenty of sand blasters for those
who need to remove paint from metal objects. That should bring my
fellow Canucks in droves, eh? If not, I'll dismantle the whole thing
and go into the cement business... eh?"
Pierre Alagonquin, from Manitoba, who crossed
the Canadian Alps via Inuit Indian country to get to Yellowknife's Desert Resort, camped outside
in the frigid blistering cold for three days and six nights to get tickets for
the grand opening. He is recovering from jack frost bite, cold shoulder, and penis brittle.
"Actually, I didn't know I could get tickets online, eh? Next year, eh? If they have
another grand opening, eh? That's what I'm going to do, eh?"
Little Lanny MacThompson, age 9, on vacation with his family from Ottawa, BC
has mixed emotions about the resort. "I like the beach but there's no water
to swim in, eh? Plus, the sand beetles bite real hard and give you like these big nasty welts, eh?
Sand hockey is a big joke, eh? -- the puck goes like two feet with a slap shot. If you
don't have a sand wedge stick, forget it, eh? And
it's hot as hell in here -- whoops, I'm not allowed to cuss, eh? Anyways,
I can't wait to get back home."
NORTH BEND, INDIANA (NATIONAL ATHLETIC REPORTERS)
Notre Dame Fighting Irish head football coach, Brian Kelly, announced
today that the team would be adding a new position to this year's offensive
roster. In addition to a quarterback, a full back, and a tail back, the team
will be adding the position of a hunchback to the lineup. "The hunchback will
spring from a permanent crouching position in front of the quarterback, explode
through the line and ring the bells of the defensive linebackers", Kelly
explained. "Once in the back field, the hunchback, who will wear no facemask,
will also cause additional havoc by disgusting the pass defenders with his
hideous, repulsive face". According to Kelly, the hunchback will also be used
on special teams: he will swing from the goal posts to distract fieldgoal
kickers, pour hot oil onto opposition fans, and throw the enemy head coach
from the campus bell tower. 
BUTTE, MONTANA (COMPUPRESS INTERNATIONAL) A recent Gallup Poll of Americans revealed that 999 out of a thousand
have no idea where the Internet is, which prompted Jonathan Geese, 17, of Portsmouth, New Jersey, to begin the
long and arduous task of tracking down the precise location of the digital mega network. "I thought it might be in
DC, cause that's where Al Gore, the creator of the Internet, once lived. I also checked Tennessee, which is where he
was born. But, it's not in either of those locations. Geese, a senior computer nerd at Portsmouth High School and
part-time sales clerk at Bernie's House of Computers on Larmar Street, has been interested in computers practically
from birth, said his mother, June. "He's been on this kick from the moment I bought him that used MacPlus on eBay.
Now, he sits in his room in front of his computer just about all day, typin' and clicking. It must be painful because
I always hear him moanin' in there".
The tenacious Geese said, "I searched in Silicon Valley. No dice.
I checked out Salt Lake City. I figured the Mormons might
be behind it. Zilch. Area 51 seemed like a good candidate, but I hacked into their site and came up with squat. No luck in
Areas 57, 64 or 66. Same thing for the Pentagon. So, that's when I got the brilliant idea that the
Internet would not be kept in
some obvious place, like New York or Los Angeles, but rather some obscure locality, so as to protect it from terrorist
saboteurs. Geese used his other computer geek friends to assist in his plight. Timothy Vildashantz told us, "The Goose -
that's what we call Jonathan - had us log into the Internet at precisely 12 midnight from 4 different cities using precise
atomic time. He then measured the time it took to log in and, from those data, he was able to accurately pin-point the
central hub of the internet. Simple, but brilliant. That's
The Goose". Geese now claims that the Internet is located in the basement of a man named Lucas Slobin of 1212 Bison Avenue
in Butte, Montana. Slobin, a feed and grain expert, when
contacted by The Goose, admitted that, indeed, his basement is where the Internet is kept. He said that two men in black
suits and dark sunglasses approached him two years prior and told him that he had been selected by the president to be
the keeper of the coveted digital network because of his low-key profile and nondescript demeanor. 
SAN FRANCISCO (NATIONAL ENDOWMENT FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF PEOPLE WITH ALTERNATE
LIFESTYLES TOTALLY FREE PRESS)
President of the United States, Barack Obama, signed into law today the landmark
repeal of the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy, handing a major victory to
advocates of gay rights and fulfilling a campaign promise to do away with what he
called a "discriminatory practice". In a press conference immediately following the
signing, Obama said, "look, gay guys have just as much right to be in the military
and destroy our enemies as any normal person" and, in fact, he argued, this
historic change in policy might turn out to be a boon for the enlistee-strapped
military, in the wake of the US government's miscues in the Middle East. "I'm
guessing, gays will be lining up, one behind the other, to enlist in the armed services now that they
don't have to keep all hush hush about their business." Railing against critics
of the repeal who have argued for decades that gays are just too effeminate and
wouldn't make good fighters and would just want to "talk it out", the President
said, "that's bull - you ever see two gay guys goin' at it in a club over a drink spilled
on a satin shirt? Forget about it. Ditto for lesbians in a three-way cat fight. Nuff said".
STAMPVILLE, ILLINOIS (CONFEDERATED REPORTERS)
The Postmaster Lieutenant Colonel, Ralph Cammarado, announced the launch
today of the Post Office's latest P/R campaign aimed at shooting
down the negative image that the Post Office breeds insane
mass murderers. In the wake of a barrage of cases of Postal workers
going berserk and gunning down their fellow workers and anyone
else who happens to be around, the phrase "going postal" has eeked
its way into the popular vernacular, a morbidly jocular reference
to these wanton and senseless shootings.
"We'd really like to kill this inaccurate image of our beloved Post Office",
Cammarado pulpited, "stop it dead in its tracks. People have got to
realize that the Post Office is
a fun place to visit with lots of fun, happy people working here.
Many people go to their local Post Office each and every single day, only to
be greeted by the smiling happy faces of our jovial, fun-loving
workers. You're bound to get a laugh here. While waiting in line
to buy your fun Barack Obama commemorative stamps, you're likely
to hear a funny quip about the timeliness of our postal service,
or a knee-slapper about the post man using pepper spray on his
eggs, or a groaner about how the post office is still the most
efficient parcel delivery service in North America, except for
Canada and Mexico - get it? That's funny because there's only three countries
in North America... I think. See? We're not all just a bunch of homicidal
maniacs looking for someone to "stamp out", if you'll pardon the
pun. Oh contraire - going postal is fun!"
The Post Office hopes that the 'Going Postal Is Fun' campaign will also
help stem the drain-off of Post Office business to email and
other parcel delivery services like Fedex and UPS. "This is
no joke -- email is killing our business. The Post Office hasn't
been under attack like this since the Commanches declared war on
the Pony Express back in 1872. Pretty soon, the only
thing we will be delivering is junk mail and, with all the junk
email going around these days, we may even lose that business." Cammarado
unveiled the new, commemorative "33.333..." stamp, an indication, he says, that
the Post Office really does have a good sense of humor.
Jerome Higgins, mail sorter at the downtown Camden, New Jersey
PO branch, said in a lunchtime interview, "Lookie here - it's fun down in here.
We all love workin' for the Post Office so don't let nobody say, it ain't a good
time down in here. A day
don't go by that somebody don't pull some kinda practical joke or
tell some kinda gut-busta. Man, I about fell out the other day when my co-worker, Taisha,
had went and put a snake in my locker that she found under the main sorter. I guess
somebody musta sent it in a parcel or somethin' and it musta got loose. Or the time
Mr. Jenner, our shift supervisor, went and switched out all the ink pens with ones with
that disappearing ink in 'em. I'll tell you what -- it's crazy up in here
some times. So, don't even let me catch nobody bad-mouthin' the P O, or sendin'
none of that got'dang email booshit or I'll whup your sorry digital ass up and
down MLK Boulevard!"
WASHINGTON (UNIFIED REPORTERS)
Vice President Joe Biden said Thursday that he would not recommend that
any American take any commercial flight or ride in a subway at this point
because of the threat of the swine flu virus. The advice, however, immediately
sent shock waves through the Obama administration and President Barack Obama
was reportedly incensed at Biden's latest gaff. The last thing the White House
wants to do right now in is shut down the airline industry and big-city subways
because the second highest leader of the free world instigates mass panic by
spreading uninformed paranoia and an hour after his statement the White House
arranged for Biden, prone historically to making such political gaffs, to back
off the ill-advised and potentially economically disastrous warning. Biden
quickly released the following statement:
BAGHDAD (JIHADAL PRESS ASSOCIATES) An unhappy Iraqi man threw his shoes at
President George W. Bush during a news conference with Iraq Prime Minister
Nouri al-Maliki on Sunday, Dec. 14. Bush adroitly ducked both shoes. Ever
the politician, Bush made light of the situation and thanked the man for giving
him such a nice pair of shoes -- Reebok Hex Ride Rally II men's basketball shoes --
and he also thanked him for "buying merchandise made in the good ol' U.S. of America".
BLOOMBERG (INFILLIATED WATCHDOGS) The Right Reverend Jesse Jackson, who
unsuccessfully sought the Democratic presidential nomination in 1984 and 1988,
apologized today for what he admitted was a "crude" comment he had made
about Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama following a
television appearance back on July 6th.
ORLANDO (ASSOCIATED COURT PREVARICATORS) - Lou Pearlman, the man
who created the Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync, was sentenced Wednesday
to five years in federal prison for engineering a decades-long scam
that bilked thousands of investors out of their life savings. 
PALM SPRINGS (DESERT HOT PRESS)
Gary Durden, acclaimed CSI actor and arguably the greatest black TV detective
vice squad sleuth in TV cop show history, was arrested this week for
possession of cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, monster, acid, squeeze,
oxycontin, reefer, hash, bennies, dexies, ludes, opium, THC, STP,
Testors model glue, angel dust, nitric oxide, snuff, amyl nitrate,
pamprin, codeine, 14 cases of illegal Cuban beer and a corn mash white
lightening still. Durden was discovered passed out in his vehicle at 5:21 AM on
a deserted Palm Springs side-street with a syringe in his arm, a joint in his ear, a
beer bong strapped to his face and a heart defibrllator mounted on his chest. He
was also booked on suspicion of operating an illegal speakeasy out of
the trunk of his car.
WASHINGTON (AFFILIATED PAPAL SCRIBES)
In an address to President Bush at the White House on Wednesday,
the first full day of his U.S. visit, Pope Benedict said that he
had come as a friend of the United States, an obvious attempt to
dispel recent rumors that he is an enemy of the state.
fife and drum band in colonial-era garb and a twenty-one-gun salute.
"So, please don'ta shoota me with your twenty-one gunza!", the pope
quipped, sporting his ruby shoes. "I meana you no harma. I coma in peace froma a far away landa,
somewhere over da rainbowa, and
I beara you no malice whatever fora living in sucha a
debauched anda sinful society, a veritable din ofa antiquity", clearly referencing
recent Canadian complaints about how much noise there is coming from America and
how long it has been going on. 
LONDON (ASSOCIATED COURT REPORTERS OF THE REALM)
A coroner's jury returned the most serious verdict within its
power this Monday, ruling that the revered Princess Diana
(pictured here while still alive) and her boyfriend, Dodi Fayed,
were unlawfully killed because their driver, Henri Paul, and pursuing
Paparazzi were reckless -- behavior tantamount to manslaughter. 
VATICAN CITY (ROITERS) - The Vatican, seat of the Holiest Sea,
has passed down to mere mortals a polyglot of
brand new sins for God's flock to feel guilty about. At
the top of the list of threats to the modern human
soul, laid on the people in an interview with the
Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano by the Pope's
number two man, Arch Archbishop Gianfranco Girotti, is
in the realm of bio-sins, covering cloning, genetic
fudging, and the destruction of embryos. He also
earmarked "ecological" offenses as sinful evils, notably
anything that messes up the environment, like air polution,
dumping toxic radioactive waste in the rainforrest, and
highway litter. It now appears that not only is one
risking a cash fine for chucking one's McDonald's
wrapper out the car window, but one may also wind up
paying a more eternal fine in the Low Court of Purgatory.
SIMI VALLEY, Calif. - Republican Mitt Romney accused
John McCain of using dirty tricks by suggesting the former
Massachusetts governor wanted a deadline for withdrawing
U.S. troops from Iraq, in a spirited debate Wednesday
night that underscored the intensity of their
presidential rivalry.
MYRTLE BEACH, S.C. - The lead Democratic presidential enemies,
Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama, accused each other of
repeatedly and deliberately distorting the truth for political
gain Monday night in a highly personal, finger-wagging debate.
LA QUINTA GOLF RESORT (AFFILIATED CLUBHOUSE REPORTERS)
With shades of Howard Cosell's now infamous "look at that
little monkey run" comment, Golf Channel commentator,
Kelly Tilghman, who once served as caddy for Arnold Palmer,
was on the hot seat this week when she made her own
shocking and controversial comment during Friday's
telecast of the PGA Tour's opening event that the
only way that young golfers of the world have a
chance to win would be if they take Tiger Woods
into a back alley and lynch him. Naturally, the
ever-sensitive racial watchdogs leapt upon the
seemingly racist use of the reference to the
so-called "Black Holocaust" lynchings of Blacks
in the South. 
CONCORD, NEW HAMPSHIRE (CONGLOMERATED COLONIAL REPORTERS)
Massachusetts governer, Utah governer-wanna-be, and presidential hopeful, Mitt Romney, cried
at the end of his speech last night following his second
place "silver metal" showing in the New Hampshire primary. His tears
flowed freely as he said he was overwhelmed by the heartfelt
support he has received from so many gentiles and non-Mormons
in his quest for the number one seat. "I know that Mormons
are the chosen few and I am absolutely shocked and humbled
by the outpouring of support I have received by so many
non-believers and evangelicals who, according to my religion,
will be slain by the Angel Moroni on Judgment Day when the
fierce Wild Indians of the Great North rein down upon the world,
piercing the black hearts of anyone non-Mormon, anyone not
wearing special Mormon underwear with secret symbols,
and that the souls of said non-converts shall be banished
forever to the Eternal Cesspool and shall never
themselves become gods with dominion over their own
personal planets, nor shall they ever receive
three dozen voluptuous virgins. I don't normally cry in
public as it is a clear sign of weakness and instability
and generally translates into instant political death for
any candidate, but it seems to have worked quite well for Hillary
Clinton so I don't think my emotional outburst will
adversely affect my chances of becoming your president,
at least I hope not. In fact, I'm hoping the show of feminine
sensitivity will push me right over the top, especially with the
women of this country who, while allowed by men to vote, still
hold a subservient, cow-like position in the world, according not only to
my faith but to other popular socio-politico-religio systems,
like the Moslems, who make their women wait outside the
Mosoleum while they pray. Incidentally, the names 'Mormons' and 'Moslems'
have the same number of letters and they sound similar. Similar
'assinance', I think you call it. Or is it, 'omagottapea'? I wonder if
there's something to that."
WASHINGTON (ASSOCIATED REPORTERS) President George W.
Bush, in a pleasant and apologetic tone, admitted today
that he pushed the buttons on the "war" in Iraq for the sole
purpose of generating trillions of dollars of profits for
friends in high places in the military industrial
complex and oil business. He admitted that he was not
straightforward at all about believing that Saddam Hussein had WMD's
(weapons of mass destruction), that he knew all along he
did not have them, but claimed that he had his fingers
crossed behind his back when he made the claim, which therefore
made it not a lie but rather a mere fib and a fib is
not a lie, certainly not nearly as heinous as a black lie
and far less opprobrious than even a white lie. Mere fibbing,
according to Bush, while frowned upon from kindergarten
on up, is not a sin. "I want to point out that there is
absolutely no mention whatever in the Bible about
fibbing. Therefore, I gotta assume it's ok. I mean,
why on Earth would God allow humans to fib and not do
something about it, like put it in the Good Book to stop
it or warn against it or even punish it with fire and
brimstone and pestilence and floods and drought? In fact,
there are no laws at all on the books anywhere
in this great country of ours about fibbing.
You can't get a ticket for it." He went
on to say that if people didn't believe him
when he said Saddam Hussein had WMDs then
they should have asked to look at his hands.
They would've seen his fingers crossed and he
would have then figured out some other excuse
to get us into a war with the "gas man", as
he referred to former ally, Hussein, to whom
the U.S. government supplied the very poison gas
used by him to commit
genocide against his fellow citizens.
"My conscience is clear as ice - read my mouth -
I never lied."
MONTEREY, CALIFORNIA (DISASSOCIATED REPORTERS OF AMERICA)
The DEA made an arrest today of one Juan Sanchez, from Juarez, for
running an illegal pot distribution operation in this
beautiful and peaceful (except for festival week) coastal town. The
pots were all made of porous red clay, down in Juarez, and then
secretly secreted across the border under cover of darkness
in secret compartments in secret low riders. Several
local housewives were involved in a sting operation
after they themselves were busted for illegal use of the pots for their Golden Poppies (State flower) and cactus plants in their
homes. They turned informant when it was clear they
might lose their Home Depot charge accounts.
WASHINGTON (ASSOCIATED NEWS PEOPLE)
President Bush said Thursday he will reserve judgment
on his administration's destruction of CIA interrogation
tapes until several inquiries are finished, adopting a
wait and see attitude. "Let's wait and see what
the facts are," Bush said.
WASHINGTON, DC (CCR - CONGLOMERATED CONGRESSIONAL REPORTERS)
Delaware Senator Joe Biden, chair of the Senate Foreign
Affairs Committee and 2008 Democratic presidential hopeful,
who himself was put on the hot seat 20 years ago when it was
revealed to the American people that he cheated in college,
leading not only to his expulsion from the University of Delaware but also
to his ultimate and humiliating dropping out of the 1988
presidential campaign, has come forward today to demand
that Attorney General Ashcroft appoint a special counsel
to investigate the CIA's destruction of videotaped
interrogations of two suspected terrorists. His demand
came on the heels of the Saturday revelation that
Michael Mukasey's Justice Department and the CIA's
internal watchdog would conduct a joint inquiry into
the matter and that their joint review would determine
whether a full investigation is warranted. Biden
scoffed at this plan to uncover the truth behind the
apparent impropriety of the destruction of the
tapes.
Biden was also incensed at his own mother,
Louise Biden, for destroying well over 300
vintage 8-track tapes from his college years
which were stored in his mom's garage and he had
to be consoled by his children.
Mahaveeshnu Orchestra, Framton Come's Alive
with Do You Feel Like I Feel on it, Seals
and Crofts, KISS - I HAD THE FIRST KISS TAPE
with Strutter on it!
I had it all, Jack! And she just
trashed 'em like they were nothin' Just threw 'em
into the furnace, which, I might add, is an
environmentally unsafe act and a direct
violation of HB 320-14! I'm extremely miffed and
I've asked my Dad to look into it.
Life sure is like a crap shoot - just
when you think you got it licked, your
mom fries your goddam favorite tapes and the CIA
director destroys important evidence
which could further sink this lame duck
administration."
White House janitor, Carl Jensen, who
resigned today under accusations that
he is responsible for the trashing
of the CIA tapes, said upon slinking out the
back door of the White House, "I didn't do nothing
with them tapes. I ain't no Rosemary Woods! Maybe
the President taped over 'em. He still uses VHS."
President Bush apparently "has no recollection"
of hearing about either the tapes'
existence or their destruction before
being briefed about it Thursday morning.
Presidential candidate Senator Hillary Clinton
was quoted as saying, "if my husband
is not in the CIA tapes, I guess I'm not
really all that interested. The CIA - that's where
the spies are, right? Or is that the FBI? Oh, fiddle
sticks! I get them so mixed up sometimes!"
Barack Obama, D-Ill, on the campaign trail with
TV talk show host, Oprah Winfrey, responded
to the scandal by saying, "if they
were cassette tapes that got all
messed up, I got a whole
shitload of 'em all y'all can have. I, myself,
have converted to mp3s because I wanna show
the young people of this country that
I'm hip and I can boogie and blog with y'all and
I hear your cry for change. And, my very very good
friend, the very attractive and beautiful, Oprah Winfrey,
agrees with me one zillion percent on that."
Winfrey agreed. "Unlike my weight,
which changes like the humps on a camel, I will
not fluctuate drastically when it comes to my
unwavering support of my steadfast good buddy,
the handsome, Barack Obama, who has shown his extreme
level of hipness by dancing and boogiein'
on my show, unless, of course,
he gets the presidential nod from
the Dems and doesn't pick me to be his running mate,
in which case I will promptly drop him
as my good friend and endorse whoever will pick me,
because, people, lemme lay it on ya -- it's prime time Oprah
that's gonna take this
country into the 20th Century. Or is it the 21st Century?
Are the 1800s the 18th Century or the 17th? Wait a minute, maybe
it's the 19th. Oh, fiddlesticks! I get so confused. Anyway, I plan on
doing my show live from the White House every
day. I'll be interviewing
political leader's depressed wives, I'll
have men's room toe-tapping gay Senators,
and, of course, Dr. Phil will be on
hand as my chief of staff."
SANTIAGO, CHILE (ASSOCIATED IMPRESSARIOS)
Officials are still trying to solve the mysterious
disappearance of a large lake in southern Chile
after the discovery back in May of this
year of a 30m-deep crater instead of the
body of water which has been there for as long as the local
Fernando llamas herders can remember.
ATICAN CITY (APR - ASSOCIATED PAPAL REPORTERS)
Twenty-three brand spanking new Cardinals got down on their
propompitous knees before his beneficence, Pope Benedict XVI, on Saturday to
accept their sacred Cardinal hats during a time-honored ceremony inducting
them into the elite body that advises and elects popes. The celebration
quickly became disengenuflected, however, when
it was revealed that nine of them are
over 80 years old, thereby making them ineligible to vote
in the upcoming papal election, which has raised outcries of
election tampering in this quaint Roman town of 851. Patrick O'Hara,
of St. Edward's parish in Boston, was enraged upon hearing this news.
"It sure does seem a tad bit peculiar, don't ya think? I mean, what's
the point of hiring somebody to vote if they're too old to vote?
I smell a big fat German rat." It was also discovered
by this reporter that six of the nine are on life support
which will certainly make their attendance at this Thursday night's traditional
Cardinal Inauguration Bingo Bonanza highly unlikely.
These same 23 gathered Sunday morning in the Vatican's Popal Genuflectory
for another ceremony in which they received their prestigious Cardinal Rings (which feature
stunning diamond encroached red rubrics cubics ensconced in full 10 ct gold plate and
engraved with the new Cardinal's name: "Cardinal so-and-so, Class of 2007"). All around
the Vatican's St. Peter's Square could be heard the whispers of the
irreverent on-lookers, "my precious... my precious..." Pictured at right is
the Ring of new Cardinal Phillipe Richelieu XIII, great, great,
great, great nephew of the infamous French Cardinal
who was Minister of State for War under the Sun King,
Louis XIV, and who was also exiled at Avignon in 1618 for intriguing with
the Queen Mother. Phillipe Richelieu recently returned from self-imposed
exile at St. Tropez for intriguing with the Queen Sister (Latifah)
but he is very apologetic, repentant, exfoliant, and ready to get down to the
business of cardinaling, which involves a lot of singing in trees.
LAS VEGAS (HIGH ROLLER PRESS)
God shocked the poker world today by answering the desperate pleas of gambler,
Jerry Yang, granting him the luck necessary to take home poker's most
prestigious title, World Series of Poker Main Event Champion.
Throughout final table action the reverent Yang could be heard
repeatedly pleading, if not outright begging, the Creator to violate
the very laws of probability -- His laws of probability which
He created -- and allow Yang to avoid crippling bad beats on the
turn or river and win hands he might have otherwise been sucked out on.
Yang was so happy with the Good Lord's support, he pledged to donate 1 full
percent of his winnings to charities and swore that he would attend church "often",
especially when he is not on vacation.
Hi, my name is Billy. And I am a phonicoholic.
I am compelled to tell my sad story to the world, not for
personal gain, not for acclaim, not for the notoriety, and not for the fame, not for the endorsements and not
because I am bored off my gord. I am telling my story because it has become my committed life's devotion to do
all I can to prevent others from traveling down the same dark and lonely path, boarding the same karnevil train
of thought, and entering the same vernacular Alcatraz in which I have been imprisoned for well-over 20 years.
Because, if by spilling my preverbial guts, I can succeed in saving but one fellow neophyte from the dismal abyss
of phonics addiction, then my self-imposed mission shall be considered complete.
started innocently enough. A friend of mine - let' s call him "Timmy" - introduced me to the alphabet. You know,
just letters and stuff, nothing hard core. We do 'em at snack time in nursery school or in the sandbox at the park
or during sleepovers. Soon, I found myself messin' around with the colorful magnets on the refrigerator. It wasn't
long before all the kids were doin' 'em. At birthday parties and such - somebody would bring along a bag of
flash cards and we'd, you know, pass 'em around, quizzin' each other and whatnot. That was how I got into vowels.
We did vowels for a couple weeks but soon I built up
a tolerance and that's when Timmy introduced me to consonants. I
had no idea the alphabet could be broken down like that. Oh, it was real cool at first. A barrel o' laughs, ya know? But,
before long, casual use turned into daily abuse. Jesus, I can remember using up to 10 consonants in one single day. And,
sometimes we'd mix consonants and vowels. Dangerous business, I know, but, lemme tell ya, I was flyin' high, baby! I was
young, I was cuttin' my teeth, and I was invincible!
even had a "Spell-n-Speak" by Mattel. He'd fire that thing up (two D batteries, not included) and we'd pass it around behind
the animatronic stage. "A is for Apple"... "B is for Bird"... "C is for Cat"... Wow, we would laugh! Man, would we laugh.
Those were the good times! But, soon, that hyperbolic laughter turned into tears. I remember one Sunday my house of flashcards
began to come crashing down. That was the day I swiped Bobby's Spell-n-Speak and went on an uncontrollable wild binge,
spinning that dial and pulling that ring so many times that my fingers got all blistered up, which I later had to explain
to my mommy. Ashamed that she might learn of my growing involvement in the lingual scene, I lied to her and told her they
were just jump rope burns but somehow I think she knew what I was up to. Nevertheless, even at that time I still felt like
I had control, that I could quit verbal abuse at any time.
Another friend of mine from Cub Scouts, "Gussie" , had an
older brother, named, "Chuckie" , who was in a debate gang at school
called "The Debacles", who were big time into the spelling bee scene and whatnot. One day I was over Gussie's house for lunch,
eating alphabet soup, when Chuckie came in from the garage and said, "hey, you fucking little squirts. You wanna do
some 'phonics'?" Well, Gussie and I looked at each other and shrugged, "sure why not" . I had heard about phonics from TV and
how you could get hooked on 'em, but my curiosity was peaked. I really wanted to find out for myself what this "phonics" thing
was all about. I wanted to push the envelope.
Well, Chuckie led us down into the converted rec room where he took out a videotape he had hidden behind the pool cue rack. He made
sure nobody else was around, listening carefully at the steps for any sign of his mom, and then quickly shoved the tape into the
combination TV/VCR on the shelf behind the wet bar and shut off the lights. Gussie and I sat there on that bamboo mat, eating stale
popcorn, and watched with great anticipation as Chuckie pressed the green neon "play" button on the devil device.
My God, the colors and the flashing lights and there were nouns and adjectives zipping across the screen like shooting stars. I could feel adverbs
swirling all around me and dangling participles whizzing by my face like rocket-propelled hummingbirds. Like the opening sequence of the
Twilight Zone, there were odd shaped letters and strange words dashing across the screen willy nilly. Sentences streamed by my amazed eyes
like firey arrows from the bows of the Huns. It was pure sensory overload and I was instantly sucked into the verbal vortex of swirling
adverbial alliteration.
I was hooked. Really hooked. Line and sinker, babe. And, it wasn't long before I found myself turning word tricks just to score a measly
proper noun and I'd do just about anything to get a parenthetical expression. I found myself roaming the streets at night, reading neon
signs and trying to interpret graffiti on overpasses. I found myself falling aleep in dark lonely library janitorial closets while
perusing linguistics remedial therapy journals after hours. And I can't even tell you how many times I was busted at newsstands for
reading magazines, like "Phonic News" and "Linguistics Today" and "Talk Magazine", without paying. Plus, I have been banned for life from
Barnes and Noble and Borders has a warrant out for my arrest for verbal vagrancy.
About a forthnight or ago, I was innocently walking my baby, Puffy, a very genteel, domicile and extremely userfriendly Bull Mastif (weighing in at 152.6 pounds of downright goodhearted kindness) on our happy little street here in beautiful Malibu, minding our own mutual beewaxes and enjoying the nice breeze (Puffy really enjoys the wind in her face and always hangs her head out the car window) when something went... well... a little terrible. A neighbor had arrived at her house and exited her vehicle, a 1973 Monte Carlo (you know, the ones with the Landau roof) with two very suspicious-looking dachshinds. My precious dog was, of course, properly leashed in accordance with Los Angeles Leash Code 26.19.B, part 6. These vicious creatures were, however, not on leashes at all, but, rather, were allowed by their totally inconsiderate and thought-provocotating owner to run unobated and on their own, free to threatenize the neighborhood.
Well, let me just tell you, I love freedom just as quick as the next guy, but this was ridiculous, doggone it. Just as soon as these snarling dogs caught vision of my harmless pet, they tore full bore across the street in our direction, like a P-80 sabre jet AND bats out Hades, rocket fueled and crazed, making me think they were on crack or something like that, which is probably true, judging from the looks of their owner who was of dishevulated demeanor. What happened next was sheer terror and not for the weak of stomach. And, I'll just say, the owner just stood there on laurels and watched it all happen with a smirk on the face.
Well, I immediately ran in utter desperation, as it is my God (betrothed) given right to do, with my big puppy just as fast as our little legs would carry us (I am a transengendered crippled person), but to no seeming availibility. Alas, these pack hunting blood thirsty mongrel canine motherfukers (if you'll pardon my French -- I'm also an angry transengendered guy) caught up with us. Like angry wolves OR killer shrews, they tore into my dear sweet and very kind mammal soulmate, whose only crime was being a dog and never hurt a flea. The next 47 seconds came as close as I've ever come to "hell on this here Earth", and trust me, people, I'm transengenderred so I know a little about hell on Earth and God's great planet, my dear friends and neighbors.
Early this week, auto body mechanic, Jimmy O'Hanrahan, 46, was
driving home from a big party to celebrate a recent Cecil Township
Bowling League victory with his Alley Kats teammates down at O'Malley's Tavern.
He didn't see the red light. He didn't see the van full of Catholic
nuns on their way home from religious retreat at the Algonquin
Casino in the Adirondacks, nine of whom were horribly maimed and
disfigured in the accident and ensuing conflagration. He didn't
see much of anything after he vomited all over the windshield and then blacked out.
DOCKTA D'S HOROSCOPES
Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Taurus Apr 20-May 20
Gemini May 21-June 21
Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
Scorpio Oct 23 - Nov 21
Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19