Dockta D - On The News

CURRENT NEWS PIX

Canadian Women Celebrate Gold With Panamanian Gold Obtained From Panama's Ice Luge Team

Chinese Cloning Program Big Success

Jackson Comeback Uncertain

Trojan Display Gets Blown (By Wind) At Condom Convention

Army Budget Cuts Affecting Front Line Troops

Kim Jong-Il Posts Head Shot On Actors.com, Eyes Career In Hollywood After Korea Burnt To Nuclear Cinder

Siamese Twin Bulls Slaughtered To Make Double Whoppers

Land Sharks Raid Malibu Beach Killing Everyone

Korean Spies Spotted Near Pentagon

Investigation Gets To The Bottom Of Richard Gere Rodent Rumor

N Korean Flubber Shoes Latest Threat To West

Pesky Swans Finally Removed From Swan Lake

Iranian Family Goes On First Vacation In Recorded History - "I said, 'smile, Allah damit!'"

Pandas Jailed In Beijing For Pandering

Tennis Gaining In Popularity In Sauldi Arubbia

Washington Monument Renamed Clinton Monumorial In Huge Ceremony - Thongs Of Followers Come, Protesters Try To Block Action With Huge Obelisk Comdom

Milwaukee Zoo Attempts To Bolster Sagging Attendance With Interspecies Porn Act

Swedish Man Arrested For Wearing One Sock In Public

Algerian Man Runs Stop Sign At Oasis

Cooking Children Still Popular In Jakarta

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DOCKTA D - ON THE NEWS

The Dockta's unabridged coverage of news
and other reportable stuff...

NEWS PIX ARCHIVE - - - - NEWS ARTICLE ARCHIVE

DOCKTA D'S HOROSCOPES

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
Things are looking up, bigtime. You will be betrayed and stabbed in the back by your so-called best friends far less this year than in past years.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20
Don't betray and stab your best friends in the back as much this year as you have in the past. People might start liking you again.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19
Danger: the 5th moon of Kalmar is in cosmetic regression. Do not leave your house under any circumstances during today. If you do, a terrible fate will befall your mother and you will lose all gambling action.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20
You will inherit something that you couldn't care less about. Just go ahead and toss it.

Gemini May 21-June 21
You will meet someone with whom you think you could fall in love. Steer clear of this person at all costs. They are no good for you and will only depress you and shatter your belief in romance.

Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
If you feel like crying today, go right ahead. No one will think you're a wuss.

Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
You may be fired today. It's a good thing, however, since the place where you work is about to burn to the ground. Your lucky day has come.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22
Jupiter is aligned with Venus. Give up your diet for the day and eat some candy.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 22
Someone strange will approach you with a strange proposition. You must follow the proposition to the letter, for if you do not, great pestilence will ensue.

Scorpio Oct 23 - Nov 21
You will feel gutteral nausea for most of the day. Take a bicarbonate with a quarter teaspoon of ginger.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21
The oscillating moons of Istar are causing a great upheaval in your inner eye. Dump all of your friends and seek new ones that have more money than the old ones.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19
Your day will be filled with fun, joy and happiness. Unfortunately, tonight will be a huge drag and you will be overwhelmed by a sense of impending doom. Your throat will feel tight, your head will spin and you will likely vomit large chunks of the pizza you consumed during the fun-filled day.

POST OFFICE ANNOUNCES "GOING POSTAL IS FUN" CAMPAIGN TO COUNTER HOMICIDAL STEREOTYPE - 6/23/09

STAMPVILLE, ILLINOIS (CONFEDERATED REPORTERS) The Postmaster Lieutenant Colonel, Ralph Cammarado, announced the launch today of the Post Office's latest P/R campaign aimed at shooting down the negative image that the Post Office breeds insane mass murderers. In the wake of a barrage of cases of Postal workers going berzerk and gunning down their fellow workers and anyone else who happens to be around, the phrase "going postal" has eeked its way into the popular vernacular, a morbidly jocular reference to these wanton and senseless shootings.

"We'd really like to kill this inaccurate image of our beloved Post Office", Cammarado pulpited, "stop it dead in its tracks. People have got to realize that the Post Office is a fun place to visit with lots of fun, happy people working here. Many people go to their local Post Office each and every single day, only to

be greeted by the smiling happy faces of our jovial, fun-loving workers. You're bound to get a laugh here. While waiting in line to buy your fun Barack Obama commemorative stamps, you're likely to hear a funny quip about the timeliness of our postal service, or a knee-slapper about the post man using pepper spray on his eggs, or a groaner about how the post office is still the most efficient parcel delivery service in North America, except for Canada and Mexico - get it? That's funny because there's only three countries in North America... I think. See? We're not all just a bunch of homicidal maniacs looking for someone to "stamp out", if you'll pardon the pun. Oh contraire - going postal is fun!"

The Post Office hopes that the 'Going Postal Is Fun' campaign will also help stem the drain-off of Post Office business to email and other parcel delivery services like Fedex and UPS. "This is no joke -- email is killing our business. The Post Office hasn't been under attack like this since the Commanches declared war on the Pony Express back in 1872. Pretty soon, the only thing we will be delivering is junk mail and, with all the junk email going around these days, we may even lose that business." Cammarado unveiled the new, commemorative "33.333..." stamp, an indictation, he says, that the Post Office really does have a good sense of humor.

Jerome Higgins, mail sorter at the downtown Camden, New Jersey PO branch, said in a lunchtime interview, "Lookie here - it's fun down in here. We all love workin' for the Post Office so don't let nobody say, it ain't a good time down in here. A day don't go by that somebody don't pull some kinda practical joke or tell some kinda gut-busta. Man, I about fell out the other day when my co-worker, Taisha, had went and put a snake in my locker that she found under the main sorter. I guess somebody musta sent it in a parcel or somethin' and it musta got loose. Or the time Mr. Jenner, our shift supervisor, went and switched out all the ink pens with ones with that disappearing ink in 'em. I'll tell you what -- it's crazy up in here some times. So, don't even let me catch nobody bad-mouthin' the P O, or sendin' none of that got'dang email booshit or I'll whup your sorry digital ass up and down MLK Boulevard!"

PHANTOM SURGERY ON PHANTOM LIMB CURES MAN'S PHANTOM PAIN - 6/4/09

ALBUQUERQUE, NEW MEXICO (ASSOCIATED MEDICAL REPORTERS) Jorge Pierna lost his right leg in a freak elevator door accident ten years ago when he tried to hold the door open for his mother who had, oddly enough, lost her own leg in a freak escalator accident ten years prior while assisting his grandmother, who was on crutches from a fall down a flight of stairs. Since the accident, Pierna has suffered continuous extreme pain from the amputated leg, pain referred to as "phantom limb pain", a syndrome first described more than five hundred years ago. Pierna has undergone numerous forms of physical and psychological therapy for the debilitating disability but nothing has served to relieve the agony he feels on a daily basis from the absentee leg. Heat application, biofeedback, relaxation training, massage to the amputation stump, acupuncture, inacupuncture, transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation (TENS), and direct electrification to the peri-aqueductal grey pain centers in the brain stem brought no relief whatsoever, nor did a wide variety of drugs, including, analgesics, neuroleptics, anticonvulsants, tricyclic antidepressants, bicyclic antidepressants, beta-blockers, sodium channel blockers, sun blockers, ecstasy, cocaine, methamphetamine, model glue, chloroform, and aspergum. He underwent Freudian psychotherapy, cognitive restructuring, aversive behavioral counter-conditioning, systematic terror exposure therapy, irrational emotive shock treatment, humanistic primal yelp therapy, and active listening training. It seemed nothing the doctors or psychologists did mattered. Jorge became suicidal and quit his job. He left his wife and killed his dog. He refused to eat meat and wandered the streets on the weekends. His life was in turmoil.

And then Jorge heard about a new, radical, revolutionary -- and controversial -- procedure being performed at The Center For Cruel and Unusual Pain: Phantom Limb and Specter Headaches Department, in Pueblo, Colorado. It seemed the Doctors at this exclusive desert medical retreat facility had gotten a "leg up" on this debilitating disorder -- and their purported success rate was an unimaginable 98 percent. So, Jorge decided one last time to try to rid himself of the ersatz yoke of phantom limb pain. He decided to undergo the pioneering and unorthodox procedure.

"It's as if I made up a dream of an imitation miracle that didn't take place" -- Jorge Pierna

The doctors performed a phantom, imaginery surgery on Jorge's phantom leg. During this newfangled pioneering procedure, the patient remains awake and watches the doctors perform a mock surgery on the mock leg. The false-fronting doctors, headed by Dr. Frantz Charlataine, go through all the motions of performing a remedial surgery during which they discuss the procedure openly, pass scalpals, forceps and other surgical implements amongst themelves, request cotton compresses and aspirate imaginery blood, have fake sweat dabbed from their brows, and pretend to make various trumped-up incisions of skin and muscle tissues. They even pretend to have a mid-surgery emergency in which there is false blood loss. Alarms and buzzers go off, equipment screens flash "Warning!" and "Danger!" and "Emergency!" and faux rare plasma is flown in from a non-existant out-of-town blood bank. There is even discussion that maybe the patient won't make it. But, then the artificial plasma arrives just in the nick of time, the immediate family, or reasonable facsimile, pretends to thank God, and the make-believe procedure resumes.

Finally, the doctors go through the motions of suturing up the sham incisions and the patient is taken to a bogus recovery room. In fact, the doctors, themselves, are not real doctors at all but rather are nothing more than mere out-of-work actors from the canceled TV series, Emergency Room. The radical procedure also includes post-operative follow up appointments with the "doctors" as well as illusory physical therapy sessions on the non-existant limb and unreal prescriptions for placebo pain killers (actually Flintstone vitamins).

The result: since undergoing the thespious operation, Jorge has felt none of the illusory painful sensations that he used to feel from the phantom limb. He is completely cured of this nonexistent disorder.

"I seems like I've been really duped. I'm definitely pretty sure I can no longer feel the put-on pain that I think I used to imagine that I didn't have. The whole hoax been invalidated" -- Jorge Pierna

Despite his seeming cure, Mr. Pierna unfortunately now complains daily of ad nauseum, fever pitch, red diarrhea #4, amenorrhea, factitious neologisms, longness of breath, swollen lumph nodes of Ranvier, b-hives, loose lips, sewerness of the anoid spincter, tightness of the wad, blood on the trax, yellowing of the skin due to fallacious cowardice, heavyheadedness, the fire down below, strolling oldmonia, big foot, mass confusion, ringing in the ears due to Bell's palsy, horseness of the throat, abnormal gate, and invertigo, all of which he attributes indirectly to not catching phony strains of the non-existant replica stomach bug, Nono-virus, from uncontaminated play surgical implements not used during the genuinely simulated pseudo-psycho-surgery. He has been given erroneously, and by proxy, a concocted regimen of dummy antibiotics in lieu of nothing and is scheduled for fraudulent mimic blood dialysis in absentia at the Quaack Institute in Mountebank, New Jersey.

CANADA ONE-UPS DUBAI'S INDOOR SKI RESORT WITH INDOOR DESERT - 5/12/09

YELLOWKNIFE, NORTHWEST TERRITORY, CANADA, (DRI - DESERT REPORTERS INTERNATIONAL) Canada unveiled its answer to Dubai's famous indoor ski resort, built in a blistering Middle East desert, when it opened the doors to its fantastic indoor desert resort in the icy cold Canadian arctic city of Yellowknife in the Northwest Territory. The multi-leveled complex, aptly named The Canadian Desert Resort, contains over 325 million tons of real desert sand, imported from such far away reaches as the Gobi, Kalahari, and Sahara deserts, and comprises more than 40 acres of artificial, man-made desert on six floors, each re-creating a different famous desert.

Owner, creator and desert philanthropist, Canadian trillionaire, Eric McDugall, pictured here with wife, Kitty, and brother, James, said he is happier that a salmon in a spawning pool to see his 5-year, 8-billion-dollar pet project finally come to fruition. "I got the idea when I was in the Middle East on business, eh? I was in Dubai and I saw they were building a giant indoor ski resort right in the middle of the desert, eh? So, I got to thinking, maybe we ought build a desert right here in the middle of the frozen Canadian arctic bad lands. If they could do the seemingly impossible in Dubai, I thought we could seemingly do it, too, eh?"

The Dubai Ski Resort

The ski resort in Dubai produces tons of snow each day and features beginner and intermediate ski runs, ski moguls, oil moguls, and a giant hot tub that holds 3000. There is even a ski patrol with imported St. Bernard search dogs to search for visitors who get lost in the huge and expensive ski mall underneath the fake slopes.

The Canadian Desert Resort features many desert activities, including camel polo, gila trapping, dune surfing, sand hockey, cross-country sand skiing, demolition dune buggy, sand sled dog races, and a real mock-up of an artificial desert oasis, complete with fake mirages and fake campground facilities. Visitors can even go on a three day Ali Baba adventure through all six desert floors, complete with camel caravan, 40 thieves, and a harem of 21 virgins.

McDugall has also populated the indoor desert complex with fauna and flora indiginous to the desert world, including rattle and sidewinder snakes, scorpions, iguanas, geckos, fire ants, stinkbugs, chuckwallas, buzzards, and vultures. "We want our visitors to experience what it's like to be lost in the desert without a compass, with no water, no TV, and surrounded by dangerous animals and predators -- only, we'll be watching them the whole time with magic carpet cams".

The Royal Canadian Mounted Police have created a special unit to patrol the vast indoor desert territory. Head of Grizley Division, Captain George French, of Fort Saskawachatoon, announced a continuous Mountie presence in the facility: "It is our sworn duty, eh? as Royal Canadian Mounties, with a history going back over 130 years, eh? to protect, keep safe, and watch out for, our fellow sovereign Canadians, no matter where they choose to go in this vast wilderness we love and call Oh Canada, eh? This inside desert idea of Mr. McDugall's is a new territory for us Mounties, eh? a new challenge from which we shall not sway nor waver, for a Mountie is fearless, steadfast, loyal, true blue and honest in all situations that involve Canadians, eh?"

The remote arctic resort, located nearly 3000 miles from the nearest hint of human civilization, has been open for a little over a month but has seen only eight visitors. McDugall is not at all worried by the low turnout, however. "I'm sure that Canadians far and wide will flock to this marvelous and authentic desert attraction", he said, "just as soon as the weather breaks, eh? Visitors can get a flight directly into Saskatoon from Edmonton, and from there, there will be daily dog sled trains across the glacial outland, over the Tundra Pass, across the great permafrost fields, through the land of the lost moors and bogs, over the Northwest Passage, across the ice highway, and on into Yellowknife proper, eh? Should take the average traveler about two weeks to get here in Summer, when the weather's above 20 below and below 20 above. Winter, should take a few weeks longer. It's a bit of a trek to get here but, hey, they'll find it's worth it. We keep it over a hundred degrees year round inside, plus we have plenty of sand blasters for those who need to remove paint from metal objects. That should bring my fellow Canucks in droves, eh? If not, I'll dismantle the whole thing and go into the cement business... eh?"

Pierre Alagonquin, from Manitoba, who crossed the Canadian Alps via Inuit Indian country to get to Yellowknife's Desert Resort, camped outside in the frigid blistering cold for three days and six nights to get tickets for the grand opening. He is recovering from jack frost bite, cold shoulder, and penis brittle. "Actually, I didn't know I could get tickets online, eh? Next year, eh? If they have another grand opening, eh? That's what I'm going to do, eh?"

Little Lanny MacThompson, age 9, on vacation with his family from Ottawa, BC has mixed emotions about the resort. "I like the beach but there's no water to swim in, eh? Plus, the sand beetles bite real hard and give you like these big nasty welts, eh? Sand hockey is a big joke, eh? -- the puck goes like two feet with a slap shot. If you dont have a sand wedge stick, forget it, eh? And it's hot as hell in here -- whoops, I'm not allowed to cuss, eh? Anyways, I can't wait to get back home."

BIDEN WARNS AMERICA: STAY OFF SUBWAYS AND PLANES TO AVOID SWINE FLU - 4/30/09

WASHINGTON (UNIFIED REPORTERS) Vice President Joe Biden said Thursday that he would not recommend that any American take any commercial flight or ride in a subway at this point because of the threat of the swine flu virus. The advice, however, immediately sent shock waves through the Obama administration and President Barack Obama was reportedly incensed at Biden's latest gaff. The last thing the White House wants to do right now in is shut down the airline industry and big-city subways because the second highest leader of the free world instigates mass panic by spreading uninformed paranoia and an hour after his statement the White House arranged for Biden, prone historically to making such political gaffs, to back off the ill-advised and potentially economically disastrous warning. Biden quickly released the following statement:

"Well, what I meant was, it's not that it's going to Mexico that's the beef, it's you're in confined places. Everybody knows that if you re out in the middle of a field when someone cuts one loose, that's one thing. But, when you are in confined places it fills the whole cabin and everybody gets a wiff, so I'm guessing swine flu would waft around like that, too, you know, infecting other people.

"So, to clarify, I would definitely take a plane or a subway to Mexico -- do they have subways to Mexico? I don't know -- but I would go. I would just take a few minor precautions, like, I would disinfect the plane or train with an anti-andromeda bomb before entering. I think I would smear anti-teratogen antiseptic lotion all over my body and put on a class-7 anti-microbal mask and full-body anti-germ warfare suit. I would also eat a bunch of Vitamin D9, raw clove stem and St. Edmund's wart weed with Ginseng root extract for about a week before traveling so as to boost my immune system. I'd also go on some sort of positive attitude TM retreat to boost my mental resolve to thwart off disease states, and, of course, I'd shower in scalding hot water for six hours upon arrival. I've heard that gasoline kills swine flu, but I wouldn't necessarily drink that. That's me, and that's the advice I am giving to family members."

NEWS ARTICLE ARCHIVE (click here)

SICK AND TIRED
By Thomas G. Smedley

I'm not one to hardly ever complain on a regular basis about stuff that usually never bothers me much, most of the time. But, I gotta tell ya, folks, I'm really sick and tired of hearing people running around all the time saying they are sick and tired things. You know the ones. You always hear these people complaining that they're sick and tired of this and they're sick and tired of that. They're sick and tired of paying taxes on bare necessities like condoms, cigarettes and beer, and they're sick and tired of the same old crappy fast food they suck down every day because they're too cheap to eat at Denny's, and they're sick and tired of putting up with their disillusioned children wasting their lives away playing violent video games over the Internet - games clearly sponsored by secret CIA slush payments to stooge black ops software developers whose sole purpose is to train the youth of America to be proficient in the use of the deadly high-tech armaments of the future, games played with millions of other similarly poorly-disposed cigarette-smoking children from across this great land of ours who agglomerate in smokey basements and beer can-littered garages and formulate video game attack teams and unwittingly practice the tactics and maneuvers which they one day will employ in some far-away oil-rich land after they have been duped into joining the military complexity by TV commercials which are clearly designed to glorify and aggrandize military patriotism as if it were some new ride at Six Flags. It seems like they're sick and tired of just about everything except their very own penchant for complaining about being sick and tired.

Well, guess what -- I'm sick and tired of hearing them say they're sick and tired, especially the ones who say they are sick and tired of the proverbial "same ol' same ol'". That really gets me going. In fact, I'm almost as sick and tired of those people as I am with the people who are "absolutely fed up". But, I'm not quite as sick and tired - or fed up - with those people as I am with the people who have "had it up to here" or, worse yet, with those who are "at their whit's end" over some stupid-ass ridiculous bullshit thing, like not being able to lose weight when all you have to do is stop eating as much by about 50 percent. It is those people with whom I am truly at the end of my proverbial proverbial soap rope... so to speak...

First of all, I would really like to know just where the hell the "whit" is and, concomitantly, where exactly is its beginning and/or its end?! I don't have a fucking clue. I wish just once - JUST ONCE - they would be more precise and say they are at their "leg's end" or "their finger's" end or their "rear's" end or something else concrete instead of that ridiculous and nebulous "whit's end".

And, when they say, I've had it "up to here", I'd really like to know exactly what they mean by that. Up to where? Is it two feet? Three feet? Up to the top of a tree? The top of the Empire State Building? The fucking moon?! You see?! It's clearly unclear and, I must say, my "patients have worn thin" (whatever the heck that means). They might as well just say they've had it "over to here" or "under to there" or "down to here" for they all make just about as much sense and are just about as vague as "up to here". Am I makin' any sense? Is anybody out there with me on this crap?

And, why does it always have to be "sick and tired"? Why not, "ill and bushed", or "ailing and pooped", or "nauseous and sleepy", or "queasy and fatigued"? Why the freak does it always have to be "sick and tired"? I mean, what I wouldn't give to hear them just one stinkin' time utter something like, "oh, I'm really 'regorgatory and sojournistic' over the way President Bush makes nondescript reference to "the evil doers" without naming names. Or, how about something even easier than that? How about if they simply said, for the pure sake of variety, that they are 'tired and sick', every once in a while?! You know, switch it up. Throw a change up every now and then! I don't see any harm at all in that! I don't think it's too much to ask! I really don't! Because this whole business has me pretty much "petered out" (which reminds me... what's so wrong with saying "dicked out" or "johned out" or one-eyed trouser snaked out"? Same argument.) I hope you get my drift.

And so, for all of you folks out there who, like me, have had all they can stands and can't stands no more, I hope you will sympathize with me, get behind my words and my mission and come to recognize, like I do, that the people of the world truly have what it takes to prevent nuclear holocaustic disintegration. But, I'm very sad to report that most of the people must be shown the way, i.e., they have to be shown HOW to log a protest or HOW to begin a petition for radical change or HOW to engage in calamitous homicidal sectarian revolt and HOW to engage in riotous proletarian anarchy and HOW to write a poignant searing editorial, such as this one. Moreover, furthermore, in addition to, and also, it seems they have to be shown how to survive in a post-catastrophic cataclismic world, a world in which life as we have come to know it is no longer exists like life as we once knew it before, in the past, in days gone by, but, rather, is now completely exasterbated, obfusculated, obliterized, caudercumphized and postvaricated as well as being very different and irrecognizable.

BACK TO TOP

TRIED AS A CHILD?
By Jenny Takearide, adjunct writer

On July 8, 2008, auto body mechanic, Jimmy O'Hanrahan, 46, was driving home from a big party to celebrate a recent Cecil Township Bowling League victory with his Alley Kats teammates down at O'Malley's Tavern. He didn't see the red light. He didn't see the van full of Catholic nuns on their way home from religious retreat at the Algonquin Casino in the Adirondacs, nine of whom were horribly maimed and disfigured in the accident and ensuing conflagration. He didn't see much of anything after he vomited all over the windshield and then blacked out.

Mr. O'Hanrahan was given a routine alcohol test which showed his blood alcohol level to be 7.3% and he was given a DUI citation accordingly. He was, indeed, by his own admission, "totally schnockered" that night. And that, his attorney, Marvin Schizter, says is precisely why Mr. O'Hanrahan should not be held accountable for this crime. His defense is pure and simple - he was too drunk to make a rational decision about getting behind the wheel of a car.

The underlying rationale for this line of defense lies, Schizter says, in the bending of criminal law which frequently occurs during which offenders younger than 18 years of age are held accountable as adults and tried as adults. The logic which naturally flows from this precedence is that, if minors can be tried as adults, for whatever legal or moral reason, then why shouldn't adults be tried as minors if it can be proven that, at the time of the commission of the crime, their mental age and capacity was equivalent to that of a minor? The heart of the argument lies in the fact that alcohol, by clinical testing, has been shown to have the effect of degrading the mental processing ability of normal adults to a level which is commensurate with that of a pre-adolescent child. It follows then that any adult who is under the influence of alcohol could be considered a legal minor. Therefore, if Mr. O'Hanrahan's mental capacity at the time of the commission of the crime was degraded to that of a minor's, as a direct result of the alcohol in his system, then Mr. O'Hanrahan should be tried as a minor rather than as an adult. Accordingly, Schizter argues, the punishment for his crime should be nothing more severe than being forced to wash school windows or pick up litter on the school grounds or detention with eraser clapping after school or perhaps even home grounding with no video games nor pizza for, say, two or three weeks, with the possible loss of cell phone privileges.

Local Circuit Judge Judeth Mencia is taking the argument under submission and finds some merit. The judge expressed concern, however, that, if adults cannot be held accountable for their behavior whilst under the influence of alcohol, then other entities which cause or incite people to begin drinking would therefore need to be held accountable. As such, anyone who puts social pressure on someone else to do a shot, for instance, to celebrate the fact that St. Paddy's day is just two weeks away or to participate in a beer pong tournament under direct threat of ostricism from the peer group or who suggests that if the perp doesn't suck booze from the ice luge then the perp is a wuss, could be culpable and held legally accountable for any crimes committed by the perps they so pressure to get fucked up.

The argument seems pretty solid and O'Hanrahan believes that it will hold up in court and when it does he hopes that his bowling buddies will be held accountable for his actions that night, especially the side-swiping of the squad car, the wheely ruts in City Park, and the downing of three telephone poles, because, after all, they pressured him to chug-a-lug a pitcher of beer after he hit 6 strikes in a row. Nevertheless, as a show that he is not without any remorse at all for having disfigured nine Catholic nuns, O'Hanrahan has informed St. Anne's parish that he would be happy to do the body work on the van for free.